THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, August 8, 1995 TAG: 9508080029
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY DENISE WATSON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 99 lines
MOM'S ATTENTION. A place on Dad's lap. The white Mighty Morphin Power Ranger.
Any one of these is enough to spark a battle between Austin Lake's sons, who are 8 and 10 years old.
``They don't fight. It's more squabbling,'' the Virginia Beach mother says, ``but it is enough to get on your nerves.''
Sibling rivalry is a natural and healthy part of human development. It's safe turf for learning how to deal with conflict. But psychologists and social workers warn parents not to take their kids' fights too lightly.
In a 1992 survey conducted by the University of Michigan, 20 percent of 1,183 students said they had fought regularly with brothers and sisters. The fights were described as physically or verbally abusive, and researchers concluded that they often resulted in emotional scars, low self-esteem and depression in these students.
``Simply, every kid wants to win. Every kid wants to be the best,'' says Susan Avery, a licensed clinical social worker with Avery Finney Wald Associates in Norfolk.
``Sibling rivalry is normal. The problem is how the parents respond to it. Parents can do things to help their children deal with healthy competition or make the competition more severe.''
Experts say the trick in keeping battles safe and to a minimum is knowing how to handle the conflict and knowing when to get involved.
Parents need to recognize when their help is needed.
Many sibling battles can be - and should be - left alone. Sisters and brothers need to develop compromise skills and realize that they can solve their own problems.
But parents should be ready to advise their children.
``If they are working it out, that's fine, but if they are yelling at each other and saying hurtful things, then they are not working it out,'' Avery says. ``And when you have to intervene, everyone gets the same treatment. You don't want to hear any stories. You don't want to hear whose fault it is. Otherwise kids keep score: `You got me in trouble yesterday. I'll get you in trouble today.' ''
The children's ages should also be a factor in deciding whether to intervene.
``I would be jumping in much sooner when the kids are younger, because you want to teach those problem-solving skills,'' says Mark Wehrlin, clinical psychologist with Virginia Beach Comprehensive Mental Health Services.
``Sometimes you will have to separate them and bring them back together later and try to teach them. As they get older, urge them to use those skills. Say, `I hope you two will work this out.' ''
Parents need to remain as neutral as possible.
Avery, who specializes in marriage and family counseling, says most of her cases involve sibling issues. Many of her adult clients say they were unable to bond with brothers and sisters until they left home or after their parents died.
``Adults report, `My mother always favored my sister or brother, our family liked the boys and not the girls,' '' Avery says. ``Parents who cannot stay out of the conflict are the ones who have kids who end up hating one another.
``The parents engage in an ongoing judgment, which one is to blame and which one is not. . . . That's a terrible split between kids.''
Remaining neutral also involves watching for physical cues: being careful not to grab one child harshly, singling out one child with a mean stare or trying to quash an argument by calling out one child's name.
``If you call out one name, the other child has won - automatically,'' Avery says. ``Parents might say to the older child, `You should know better. You should be an example.' But you end up punishing that child. That's why everyone should receive the same treatment.''
Avery and Wehrlin say parents often try to use sibling rivalry as a motivational tool, often pointing out the child who makes better grades or sits more patiently at the dinner table. The tactic usually doesn't work.
``You have to be careful you're not making a comparison,'' Wehrlin says. ``Kids need to see the balance: `You're a pretty good basketball player, but your brother's a good soccer player.' Make sure the talents are balanced.''
Randy Smithhart, a hair stylist in Norfolk, says his two sons have played well together ever since he developed guidelines that eliminated competitiveness - he gives them different tasks and toys to play with and encourages his 9-year-old son to help the 6-year-old whenever possible.
``I'll get the older one to help his little brother to rake leaves, for example. My youngest son is younger and just can't do that,'' Smithhart says. ``But he helps him learn how to climb a tree, how to build sand castles. I have pictures of them climbing a tree, my older son pushing Tyler up. . . . It's one of those things that makes you very happy as a parent, when you've encouraged them and you see it bearing fruit.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color staff illustration by John Earle
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Tips for Parents
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KEYWORDS: SIBLING RIVALRY by CNB