THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, August 23, 1995 TAG: 9508230035
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 62 lines
I GUESS THE biggest mistake in my life has been underestimating the influence of Elvis Presley. When he died, I cherished the notion he was out of my life at last. Not so.
There were the repeated sightings of Elvis: in a cemetery, hitch-hiking on an interstate. One tabloid boasted that the Hubble telescope had found ``thuh King'' on Mars.
And I said to myself then: This is just temporary. Hang in, and it will disappear. But it didn't.
Then there was the stamp controversy. I actually believed the U.S. Postal Service would never issue a stamp honoring someone whose bloodstream contained more chemicals than a Dow factory.
I thought the Elvis mania had been licked, so to speak. What a fool I was.
Only days ago - I swear - academics from around the world gathered at the University of Mississippi for an Elvis symposium.
The eggheads had not gathered to discuss Bosnia, cyberspace or the world economy. No siree. The focus of the conference was the life, times and influence of Elvis. I swear.
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see where this is heading. Elvisism will soon reach a level of lunacy heretofore unseen: the Elvis degree.
Here's what college catalogs will soon look like:
DEPARTMENT OF ELVIS. Chaired by Professor Conrad Weemsley, author of ``All Shook Up: Elvis Presley - Stranger in Bearadise.''
Elvis 101 - An overview of Presley in the youthful years with a look at wasp bites during his early privy training as influences on thuh King's body motions.
Elvis 108 - Impressions of Graceland. A survey of the house contents, including the highly prized police badge, ceramic monkey collections and the mile-long slot car racetrack. A class visit to the Presley home is planned. Students will be required to make plaster impressions of lawn ruptures created by Presley and friends aboard snowmobiles.
Elvis 201. The truck driving years. Reflections from those who tooled the highways with thuh King. Special emphasis is given to the reflection sartorial theory advanced by Professor Weemsley.
Weemsley postulates that thuh King's jump suits were inspired by oil-spattered coveralls which became embedded with pocket mirror fragments when he rolled over while repairing a truck transmission.
Elvis 329. Elvis as art. A survey of great velvet Elvis paintings now hanging in The Louvre, the Metropolitan Museum of Art and The Hermitage, with special attention given to fluorescent effects under black lights. Tonal and thematic harmonies contrasted with velvet renderings of card-playing dogs.
Hmmm. . . talk about higher education going to hell by degrees. I don't even wanta think about the doctoral courses. ILLUSTRATION: Photo
Elvis
by CNB