THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, August 30, 1995 TAG: 9508300528
SECTION: MILITARY NEWS PAGE: A8 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY SUSAN BOLAND
LENGTH: Medium: 73 lines
``They just don't understand.''
How many times have you heard this from a military spouse when she, or he, is referring to their own parents, brothers and sisters?
My father was a lawyer, and my mother raised her seven children in a world where a son graduated from college, chose his profession, went to school for it, graduated again, and opened his office. Somewhere along the way he got married.
My three older brothers, one doctor and two lawyers, followed this pattern, as did my three older sisters, who married pretty much the same types.
Six months after I married a lieutenant junior grade, my husband ``got his wings.'' A few weeks after this momentous occasion, my husband and I arrived at my parents' house for Christmas. My mother was trying hard to understand her new son-in-law's career pattern, and at the same time was concerned about her daughter's future. This manifested itself with the question she asked him as we came through the kitchen door: ``Have you got your own ship yet?''
Deployments are a real mystery to outsiders.
My husband's third deployment left me in Virginia Beach with our new baby and our 3-year-old. The night before his ship was to come in, one of my sisters called me to share in my excitement. I explained the whole pier scene, saying that it would be an hour or more before we would be able to board the ship, at which time my husband would get his gear, and the four of us would finally head home.
She then asked me what our plans were for that night. I didn't answer immediately since I didn't know exactly how to say ``it,'' so she went on to say ``I bet I know! All of the wives and husbands get all dressed up and meet at a nice restaurant for an elegant dinner!'' I explained that I had been going out to dinner with these women for six months, and they with me, and that our husbands had been eating dinner with the other guys on the ship for six months. ``DINNER'' I said, ``is the last thing on our minds.''
We have now entered the stage when my brothers' and sisters' children are getting married, so we attend a wedding once or twice a year.
Last spring one of my nephews married a young lady from Long Island in New York. The reception was in a swanky south shore yacht club decorated in that brassy, expensive naval motif.
During the cocktail hour, my husband and I were dutifully mingling when we found ourselves together with a group of people that included the mother of the bride. My husband, a commander at the time, was in his service dress white, with all the ribbons and pins in their appointed place on his chest. After a few minutes, I saw that the mother of the bride was staring at my husband, until he began to chat with one of my brothers, and they laughed together.
Then the mother of the bride exclaimed ``Oh! I see! You're a guest!'' She explained that because of his ``outfit'' she had thought that he was one of the waiters.
There are many aspects of military life that are hard for civilians to grasp. Career patterns, deployments, and even uniforms can eventually be explained and understood. However, there are experiences unique to military life that my brothers and sisters will never understand.
I do not know how to explain the bond of friendship that is instantly renewed when you turn your cart around a corner in a commissary and come face to face with someone you haven't seen in years, but whom you have never forgotten for some act of kindness they did for you when you were both stationed on the other side of the world. I have come to realize that that's a military life thing, and they just wouldn't understand.
I received a wedding invitation in the mail last week. Another niece is getting married. It was addressed to Captain and Mrs. J.F. Boland. Here we go again! MEMO: Susan Boland, a free-lance writer and a lecturer at the English Language
Center at Old Dominion University, is a naval wife of 20 years. by CNB