THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, September 1, 1995 TAG: 9508310252
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 07 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Over Easy
SOURCE: Jo-Ann Clegg
LENGTH: Medium: 80 lines
You know those old saws about being caught between a rock and a hard place or jumping out of the frying pan into the fire?
Forget those. My situation is worse.
I'm caught between a strip of seven postage stamps and an army of computers all saying ``for account information, press 1 now.''
I am certain that if I don't get out of this mess soon I'll be passenger numero uno on a locked bus headed straight up the road to the debtors' prison.
My friends in the law business tell me there are no debtors' prisons any more. I don't believe them. Nor does Bill. We come from a generation that does bills the old-fashioned way. We pay them on time and in full.
Not too far in advance, mind you, because we like seeing that money in our account instead of in the credit card company's. We just make sure the check arrives a day or two before the computer gets to the point of sending out an overdue notice with a fat penalty attached.
So far our payment system has worked.
Until last Thursday, that is. That was when I sat down and wrote checks for bills that were due between Sept. 1 and 5. I also sent the final version of a paper I wrote for publication in a professional journal, a card telling the record club that I most certainly didn't want a collection of Wagner's early works, birthday cards to our three sons and an anniversary card to Andy and Kristin.
Yesterday the card to the record club came back marked ``Insufficient Postage.''
``Impossible!'' I yelled at the mail box. ``There's the stamp right there, with the little ``G'' on it.''
Then I read the fine print on my postage stamp. It wasn't a series ``G'' 32 cent stamp. It was a ``G'' add-on stamp, worth the difference between the old 29 cent stamps and the new 32 cent ones. Three cents worth of stamp to be exact.
``I am,'' I said to myself, ``in trouble here.''
Indeed I am. I vaguely recall that I had seven of the 3 cent stamps.
From my checkbook I learned that I had written eight checks last Wednesday. Those eight pieces of mail added to the cards, manuscript (which required four stamps) and the Wagner rejection required a total of 17 stamps.
Knock off the one that's already been returned and you have a total of 13 pieces of mail which may or may not reach their destination. This morning I sat down with my checkbook, fished the stubs of the bills out of the waste basket and started making some inquiries.
Through my credit union's automated system I learned the bad news. After pushing 81 buttons I determined that all checks enclosed in birthday and anniversary cards had been cashed. That greatly increased the odds that the six unaccounted for stamps are on bills which are not going to reach their destinations on time or on the manuscript which will arrive too late for publication.
This morning I started pushing buttons. After 367 punches, 42 special messages (including one which gave me the option of hearing the instructions in English, Spanish, French or Swahili) and 51 minutes of elevator music, I learned that the electric, gas, telephone and Mastercard bills have been paid; the sewer, cable TV and two department stores have not. So now I wait. How long, I'm not sure. I don't want to double pay my bills, but on the other hand there is the thought of that bus to debtors' prison looming in my thoughts.
That was better news than I had expected. We used enough electricity in last month's heat wave to light most of the homes in Kodiak, Alaska, for a year.
The Mastercard bill was roughly the equivalent of the amount of money needed to feed a convention of sumo wrestlers for a week.
As for the manuscript, I'd like to check on it but I have no idea where it went. I think I sent it to some professor in some department at some large Midwestern university for editing. Ohio State comes to mind.
I think I may try calling there. If I'm lucky they'll have a good automated information system and their hold music of choice won't be Wagner. I'm going to have enough of him for awhile.
The deadline for rejecting his collection was yesterday. by CNB