THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Saturday, September 16, 1995 TAG: 9509150049
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 82 lines
I LIKE TO THINK of it as the Volkswagen of meats.
Spam.
It used to show up behind the glass partitions in our Army chow line. Just like a VW: the no-frills meat. Durable. In the can it seemed to have the shelf life of Uranium. Each slice an exact duplicate of the other. A pink meat that reminded me of Colorado.
Colorado? It was the shape. A three-dimensional rectangle in pink - just the way Colorado appeared on the colored relief map in my high school classroom. A porcine slice of Colorado.
``What is that mystery meat?'' I asked, pointing to the pink squares in the metal steam tray.
``It's Spam,'' the bored GI server with a spatula reported.
``Is it pork?''.
``Sorta,'' he replied.
``What part of the pig?''
``Nose to tail. The whole deal except the squeal,'' he replied.
I learned to like it. Later, when stationed in Korea, Spam and eggs got me through the bitter cold mornings when the temperature was 0 degrees at Chunchon. And the rice paddies were frozen in the snow.
Never stationed at the demilitarized zone separating North and South Korea, I heard stories about hardships endured by GIs serving in that frigid place north of us. It was told that some of the GIs had no playing cards for poker. Spam was readily available. So they played cards with Spam slices after inking card faces on the meat.
``It's no joke,'' the Pfc. who returned from the demilitarized zone told me. He claimed they played poker for three months with the Spam slices. ``We lost the deuce of diamonds when a dog ate it,'' he said. ``But the rest of the deck didn't begin to shred until spring.''
(Enter Patsy Cline singing ``I Fall To Pieces.'')
None of the GIs I knew used a knife to carve artistic creations from Spam. But that's what folks will be doing this weekend at the 6th Annual Budweiser River Ribfest in Town Point Park. At 3:30 on Sunday, contestants will use knives to carve Spam into animals, vying for the coveted Spam trophy - a can of Spam mounted on a beautiful board with a brass plaque.
A word of caution. DO NOT ENTER THIS CONTEST UNLESS YOU CAN COPE WITH THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE CAUSED BY LOSING.
Fred Kirsch, the Real Life Team editor at this newspaper, who entered the contest last year and lost, is now a Spamic depressive.
``I grew up eating Spam and, frankly, set my sights too high,'' Kirsch confessed.
He said he saw himself as the Michaelangelo of meat when he fashioned a Spamburger, French fries, knife and fork, and a glass of wine in last year's contest. But the winning entry was a re-creation of Stonehenge.
``I felt so beaten down when I lost,'' Kirsch explained. ``I felt like the carcass of meat that Stallone pulverized with his fists in the film `Rocky.' ''
Kirsch said that since losing, he has noticed a continuing loss of self-esteem: ``I feel Spam has been good to me and I failed it.''
Coupled with the poor self-image has been troubled sleep. ``I dream the same dream over and over again,'' he said ``It's a replay of the contest. I wake up in a cold sweat.''
At work, his mind drifts back to the contest, too, he conceded. He wonders if poor positioning didn't play a part in his loss. Perhaps if his entry hadn't been placed beside a Spam carving less imposing than The Great Pyramid? And he frets about the wine glass. Did that hurt his cause?
``I think the judges may have thought the wine glass was empty. But, since I was dealing with a pink material, I assumed the judges would know it was filled with a pink zinfandel. Do you think I should have explained that to them?''
Kirsch's embarrassment is so acute he has not eaten canned meat since the contest. ``I think I have to work my way back gradually,'' he said. ``Maybe starting with sardines, then Beenie Weenies.''
Sounds like the recipe for SPAM recovery to me. (If you'd like your own 48-page book of prize-winning SPAM recipes, mail $1 and your name and address to : SPAM Recipe Book, Box 5000, Austin, Minn. 55912.) ILLUSTRATION: [Color Photo of Spam can]
by CNB