THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc. DATE: Sunday, September 24, 1995 TAG: 9509220161 SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 06 EDITION: FINAL TYPE: KALEIDOSCOPE: LESS IS MORE SOURCE: BY GERALD A. PORTERFIELD LENGTH: Medium: 88 lines
Pity the small-town resident. That's right. He deserves it. His lot is to be stuck in some backwoods, out-of-the-way, behind-the-times remnant of the past with little if anything to look forward to, except old age and death. On the other hand, we suburbanites have everything going for us. As the song goes, ``The future's so bright, we've got to wear shades.''
There are literally hundreds of things that we have so much better than our small-town counterparts that if they paid me by the word I could retire tomorrow. Seriously, though, let's just look at a few of the ways that our lifestyle here in suburbia is so superior to that of our country cousins.
Roads and Circulation
We are blessed that our subdivision roads normally don't go anywhere. That is, they don't connect to any other subdivision roads, keeping us totally isolated and separated. Safe and secure in the knowledge that there will be no through traffic violating our slice of surburbia, we sleep through the night.
An added benefit: We can see all our friends in the morning lined up at the subdivision entrance road waiting to merge into our local road that collects all the friends from the other subdivisions whom we don't want to go through ours.
And if we've paid enough taxes and screamed enought at City Council, that collector road is probably six to eight lanes wide; and before joining the interstate, it most likely goes to eight or 10 lanes. It's so much fun watching the stranded motorist trying to cross it to get gas. Serves him right for running out.
On the other hand, all a small town can offer is an archaic model in which all roads connect to one another, leading to numerous choices on which way to go. How quaint. Sure, this allows residents to easily get around the occasional accident or avoid the road work crews as they repave the street, but the streets are so small. Why, you're so close to the house you can actually read the names and numbers on the mailboxes! Hardly a 10-lane intersection anywhere. They don't know what they're missing.
Commercial areas
Suburbia supplies so many splendid selections. In our specialized centers, located strategically at 10-lane intersections (see above), it's possible to obtain a lifetime supply of socks in our ``Great Socks - Up and Down'' store, to buy underwear like Bill Clinton's in the ``Nothing but the Briefs'' store, to get all colors and sizes of paper clips in the ``All Paper Clips Great and Small'' store. Besides, it's so much fun to play ``Find Your Car'' with the kids when you're parked 600 feet from the store entrance, and it's raining.
In the small town, the commercial section is so close residents don't even get to drive their cars. They walk! Imagine that! What do they think those small streets are for anyway? Fourth of July parades?
And on the way to the commercial section, you have to talk to all these people you see on the street. Just imagine having to come up with all that small talk and idle conversation - that's work!
Then you get to the store and you have to acknowledge the shopkeeper and store clerks, with all their incessant questions and concerns about your Aunt Sallie's lost dog, your brother Bob's new baby boy, and how glad they are that Uncle Lester's back on his feet.
Makes me want to jump in the car and go to the ``drive thru.''
Housing areas
We are so fortunate in suburbia to have been able to plan such logical and orderly housing areas. We have our single-family condos over here, our townhouse condominiums over there, our apartment condominiums up front, small single-family lots across the lake, medium-sized single-family lots down the road and our large single-family lots wherever the trees are.
Another benefit of this suburban order is all the nice fencing that separates these areas. Gosh, who needs to go to the hardware store? You can view all the varieties, styles and sizes available just by driving down one of the six- to eight-lane collector roads (see above). Plus, you'll be able to compare the weathering capabilities of each.
Small towns, however, weren't planned. They evolved. Too bad. There's so much disorder. There might be townhouses down one street and, around the corner, large, immaculately kept mansions. Turn another corner and you'll see apartments over a store. Can you believe it? In fact, I know of a small town where the mayor actually lives right around the corner from his mechanic. Unbelievable!
I know it's hard to understand that places like this really exist, but they do. We should all just be thankful that it'll never happen in suburbia. We have ordinances to protect us from such ``messiness.'' MEMO: Mr. Porterfield is president of Porterfield Design Center.
by CNB