THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, September 24, 1995 TAG: 9509220243
SECTION: CHESAPEAKE CLIPPER PAGE: 02 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Random Rambles
SOURCE: Tony Stein
LENGTH: Medium: 84 lines
If you missed the recent Civil War Days at the Chesapeake Library, you missed the third edition of an event that is becoming a badge of educational honor for the city. It is an artful blend of history and fun, and it projects a distinguished image of Chesapeake. For two September days at least we were more than the city where you don't drink the water.
It's been my pleasure to be a speaker at all three of the Civil War programs, and this year I passed along some of the funny anecdotes I've found in my roaming through the history of the war. Here's a sampling:
All during Abraham Lincoln's presidency, he was harassed by people wanting favors and jobs. That's why, in 1863, when he contracted a mild form of smallpox, he had an unusual greeting for a visitor. ``Come in,'' he said. ``At last I have something I can give everybody.''
Then there was the time a friend said, ``Mr. Lincoln, you would have your joke if you were a mile from hell.'' Lincoln agreed. ``Yes,'' he said, ``that's about the distance from here to Congress.''
A common insult hurled at him was that he was ugly. That's probably why he liked the story of the woman who saw a man on the street and said, ``You're the ugliest person I ever saw.''
``I can't help it,'' the man said.
``Yes,'' said the woman, ``but you could stay home.''
And I loved what Lincoln said when a very mediocre Union brigadier general was captured on horseback by the Confederates. ``I can make a better brigadier general in five minutes,'' Lincoln observed, ``but a good horse costs $125.''
Truly, Lincoln loved to laugh, so much so that his enemies accused him of being insensitive to the pain and suffering of the war. Actually, his anecdotes were a way of combating the stress that burdened him every day. Once when a young congressman came to him with a request, he said ``That reminds me of a story.'' The impatient young congressman said, ``Mr. President, I did not come to hear a story.''
Lincoln stopped him and said, ``If I did not tell my stories, I would die.''
Union Gen. William Sherman may be hated in the South for his march through Georgia, but he sure had a swift tongue. When he heard that a newspaper reporter had been killed, he said, ``Good. Now we'll have news from hell before breakfast.''
Even in the heat of battle, senses of humor could flourish. When the ironclads Monitor and C.S.S. Virginia clashed right here in Hampton Roads, their shells mostly bounced off each other. The captain of the Virginia asked his gunnery officer why he didn't fire more often and the officer said, ``I find I can do just as much damage by snapping my fingers at her every two and a half minutes.''
Then there's the story about the Confederate who gets captured and he's so belligerent that he's dragged up before Gen. Grant. He says, ``It's a good thing there are so many of you Yankees or we would have whipped you for sure.''
That makes Grant mad, and he says, ``You either take the oath of allegiance to the Union or I will have you shot.'' The Confederate ponders a minute and decides to take the oath. So he does, and Grant says, ``Now, don't you feel different?''
``Yes, sir,'' says the ex-Confederate, ``but it's good thing there are so many of us Yankees or the Confederates would have whipped us for sure.''
After the war, Union Gen. Arthur MacArthur, father of Gen. Douglas MacArthur, was a member of a military court in New Orleans that had the power to issue very valuable cotton trading permits. He was besieged with requests and outright bribe offers. Finally, he sent a telegram to Washington that said something like this: ``I have been offered $10,000 and the favors of one of the leading belles of the town in exchange for a permit. I request immediate relief from my post because they are getting close to my price.''
And though you've probably never heard of a man named Johnny Kongapod, Lincoln used to tell about him. Johnny was an Indian who educated himself well enough to write poetry. He even wrote his own epitaph. Here's what it said:
Here lies Johnny Kongapod.
Have mercy on him, gracious God.
As he would do if he were God
and you were Johnny Kongapod.
That other poet, William Shakespeare, said ``The quality of mercy is not strained.'' Johnny Kongapod said it differently, but just as well. by CNB