THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, September 26, 1995 TAG: 9509260038
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Medium: 99 lines
TO MOST OF HER children's classmates, Donna G. Morgan is ``Mrs. Morgan.'' But to the kids in her neighborhood, she's plain old ``Donna.''
And that's plain old fine with her.
Children calling her by her first name ``really doesn't matter to me,'' says Morgan, a Norfolk mother of three.
Joan E. Reif of Chesapeake often goes further, encouraging children to use her first name.
``A lot of times, if people do say `Mrs. Reif,' I'll say, `Oh, ``Joan'' is fine,' '' she says.
``I don't know. Maybe . . . an older, more-respectable title seems like an older generation: `Oh, that's what my mother was called.' '' says Reif, who is 34.
Whatever the reason, more and more children these days call adults by their first names. Friends of their parents. Neighbors. Coaches. Baby sitters.
And that's OK with a growing number of grownups who came of age in the rebellious, freewheeling 1960s and '70s, and who live and work less formally than their parents. They don't wear as many ties or dresses, they eat more dinners off paper plates in their laps, and they don't give as much weight to titles.
This includes the courtesy titles they grew up with - Mr., Mrs., Miss and Ms. - the ones they wouldn't dream of dropping when referring to their parents' friends, or virtually anyone much older than themselves. But things are more casual now. These young adults introduce their co-workers by first names to their children. They tell the neighbor's kids to call them ``Dick'' or ``Jane.''
Or ``Joan.'' Reif took a parenting class last month, and the dozen or so participants discussed how to instruct children to address adults. Most agreed that it should depend on how the adults want to be addressed.
Only one or two said they wanted to be called ``Mr.'' or ``Ms.,'' Reif says. Everyone else preferred their first names.
Morgan's children, and those she watches, often can't pronounce last names, so first names are just easier, she says.
Many adults aren't asked their preference. It still makes Thea J. Byker, 47, of Virginia Beach, uncomfortable when a neighbor kid calls her by her first name. ``Do I always say something? No,'' she says.
``I think it's a growing trend. And I'm not sure there's much we can do to change it,'' says Katharine C. Kersey, professor and director of Old Dominion University's Child Study Center.
Parents who want their children to use courtesy titles with adults simply should make it clear to the youngsters, Kersey says.
Some who do teach their children to use ``Mr.'' and ``Ms.'' worry that the informality of first names could lead to disrespect and eliminate in the children's minds the differences between them and adults.
At ODU's Child Study Center's day care, all teachers - including student-teachers - are called by title and last name.
``We do that here to make sure that the children don't feel too familiar, too friendly, so they can sense the difference,'' Kersey says. ``If they call student-teachers by their first names, they tend to want to play with them more, to chase them on the playground, to use them as teddy bears.''
Shirley J. Dillard, 41, of Smithfield thinks the trend to first names is the result of adults' wanting too much to be ``buddies'' with kids. Her three children use courtesy titles, except for one family with whom they vacation.
A common compromise is to combine a courtesy title with the first name, such as ``Miss Ellen'' or ``Mr. Dave.'' Less formal than a last name, it still establishes an adult-child pecking order.
``I think our generation, that's our way of modifying it,'' says Diane H. Gowans, 41, of Virginia Beach. ``A number of children call me `Miss Diane.' Even some who are teenagers. If they called me that when I was younger, they still call me that.''
The children of Arlene T. Raguini of Virginia Beach, like many others of Filipino ancestry, call many adults ``Auntie'' or ``Uncle'' - whether they are family members or not - when using last names seems too formal. Raguini worries about lost respect through using first names, as do others.
``I guess because there is a formality with titles,'' Reif says. ``Why, I don't know. It just sounds more formal. It's kind of like the issue of kids' wearing uniforms in school - they seem to behave better.''
Virginia Beach's Gowans heard more requests for first names from well-educated friends when she lived in Northern Virginia, but her children continue to use courtesy titles in their schools, which remain relatively untouched by the first-name trend.
``It really struck me as a respect issue,'' Gowans says. ``There's something that commands a little more respect when you use `Mr.' or `Ms.' or whatever.''
Laughing, she adds, ``I never thought I'd be saying that.''
But a lot of parents don't see that children calling the adult neighbor down the street ``John'' instead of ``Mr. Smith'' causes kids to lose respect for their elders. Neither does ODU's Kersey.
``I really don't think what you call somebody is as important as how you treat them,'' the professor says. ``And I think treating somebody with respect is the important thing.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color staff illustration by Janet Shaughnessy
by CNB