THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, October 6, 1995 TAG: 9510060040
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Listen Up!
SOURCE: Vorando Mack and Karen Baranski
LENGTH: Medium: 74 lines
DEAR KAREN AND VORANDO,
I am 14 years old and have been going out with my boyfriend (who is also 14) for three months and five days. Now he's acting as if he wants to break up with me because I'm not ready to have sex. The problem is I don't know if I want to have sex with him, and I'm afraid to.
He understands when we're alone, but when we're around his friends, he pretends not to. And when his friends pressure him about why he is not having sex with me, he brings it down on me like it's my fault. And he won't say anything to his friends to defend me when they talk bad about me. When they do that he will only laugh.
It really hurts me because he should realize that I'm not ready to have sex right now. I want to know if you can help me. - Feeling Pressured
Dear Pressured,
First and foremost, understand and accept that sex is not necessary in any relationship. You need to talk to your boyfriend and help him understand this.
If your boyfriend is really prepared to break up with you because you aren't ready to have sex with him, then you both have some soul searching to do. Ask him what things attracted him to you in the first place. Your personality, your interests, your way of looking at the world probably have a lot to do with your going out for three months. If those things don't mean anything to him anymore and his friends' chiding have taken priority in your relationship, then it is probably time for you to break up anyway. There's no foundation for a relationship there.
We realize that this is difficult and stressful for you to do, but you must ask these questions and answer them honestly, even if neither of you wants to hear the answers.
Then there is the other part of the question - should you have sex with him?
Again, you have to ask yourself some tough questions and answer them honestly. Sex is not all that it is made up to be. And it is also definitely not just something to do in your free time.
If you think that you want a physical relationship but are just afraid, you may be trying to fool yourself. Your letter says in one place that you are considering it, and in the end that you don't want to have sex. Your indecision is a sign that you really do not want to and you should hold off. At 14, you should keep away from sexual activity. If you are influenced by your peers or your environment, stand up for yourself and for your beliefs and say, ``No, not yet!''
If you were to have sex, have you considered the consequences? The end of the relationship is a possibility. And so are more serious consequences such as sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS or even pregnancy.
Also, you seem to understand that your boyfriend's behavior is being manipulated by the company he keeps. He might feel one way, but because of the influence of his friends, he might say things that make you think he's feeling another way.
If he refuses to say something to his friends when they disrespect you, it is up to you to make it clear to him and his friends how you feel about them disrespecting you. Ask him to put himself in the same situation that you are in. He should know how unfair his actions are to you and your relationship.
Please understand that you are a good person and don't need anyone telling you that you are not just because you won't do something that they want you to do. This is classic peer pressure. You are the only one who can take control of a situation like this and make it better for yourself.
At 14, you have too many other important things going on in your life to let a situation like this bring you down. Ask yourself if this situation is worth jeopardizing your whole future. You are the one who is in control of your future. Please make it the best possible one for yourself. by CNB