THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, November 10, 1995 TAG: 9511100053
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Jennifer Dziura
LENGTH: Medium: 75 lines
IN THE IMMORTAL words of the Ramones, ``On my way to get my Ph.D./I'm a teenage lobotomy.''
Those of us coveting some species of college degree generally have two options: (a) send large chunks of salary to Sally Struthers in exchange for correspondence courses in TV/VCR repair or (b) embark upon the college admissions process.
Having just sent off my Harvard application, I am all too familiar with glossy viewbooks, tedious applications and counting how many times I can type my Social Security number before it starts taunting me in my sleep.
Even the least academically inclined among us may be able to list full names, mailing addresses and felony convictions, but the part of the applications process most likely to cause internal hemorrhaging is the essay.
Some colleges have precise formulas for the essays they wish to receive. The University of Chicago, for example, and I'm not making this up, dictates the following:
Construct a dialogue or story that involves two people meeting in the frozen-food section of a supermarket, incorporates your favorite country song and includes these four quotes from the novel ``Sister Carrie'' by Theodore Dreiser:
a. ``When a girl leaves home at eighteen, she does one of two things.''
b. ``How true it is that words are but vague shadows of the volumes we mean.''
c. ``Ah the long winter in Chicago - the lights, the crowd, the amusement! This was a great, pleasing metropolis after all.''
d. ``Several times, their eyes accidentally met, and then there poured into hers such a flood of feeling as she had never before experienced.''
If these requirements don't quite suit the applicant, he may instead choose the following: ``Compose an essay about a memorable meal you have eaten. We are especially interested in the details: the occasion, your company at this meal, its physical setting, the kinds of foods you ate, or their preparation.''
But for those of you who are faced with vague, nebulous essay requirements - ``Write about something that influenced you significantly; it may be local, national, international, personal, academic, musical, literary, scientific, social, blue, red, hot or cold or up or down'' - you perhaps could use some suggestions. The ones I've provided are loosely adapted from the book ``100 Successful College Application Essays'' by Christopher and Gigi Georges.
1. Don't write an essay that could have been written by pretty much anyone else. For example, don't write, ``One time, my family took a vacation to my grandmother's house, which is in (insert state, usually Florida).''
2. Don't write anything that embarrasses the reader. Those with Y chromosomes should stray from beginning their essays with something like ``When I walked into the job interview, I had no idea that my zipper was not in its usual zipped position.''
3. Don't repeat your resume. Do not produce something like, ``One thing that influenced me significantly was being the best soccer player on the team. Also, I was influenced significantly when I won this big math award. Another example of me being influenced significantly was when I got my perfect SAT score in the mail.''
4. Don't try to write about something ``important'' in the news. For example, don't tell the admissions officer, ``One thing that influenced my personal life immensely is the recent upsurge in socio-economic leftist sentiment throughout the southern regions of Saskatchewan, Canada.''
So there. I've helped you with your college essay. But if any of you get into Harvard and I don't, I'm going to be upset. MEMO: Jennifer Dziura is a senior at Cox High School. Her column appears
bimonthly. If you'd like to comment on her column, call INFOLINE at
640-5555 and enter category 6778 or write to her at 4565 Virginia Beach
Blvd., Virginia Beach, Va. 23462.
by CNB