THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, November 12, 1995 TAG: 9511100214
SECTION: CHESAPEAKE CLIPPER PAGE: 02 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: RANDOM RAMBLES
SOURCE: TONY STEIN
LENGTH: Medium: 83 lines
Ask Dr. Louise Sindos to draw you a word profile of a typical spouse abuser or child abuser and she'll tell you she can't do it.
There is no ``typical'' abuser, she says, because family abuse cuts across all the lines that separate people in our society: age, education, economic and ethnic. What is typical is that the victim of the abuse needs help in dealing with it. Needs a pal. Needs PALS.
When you see the word in capital letters, PALS stands for People Advocating in the Legal System. It's a service of Chesapeake's Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court. Sindos is the coordinator.
PALS, staffed by specially trained volunteers, guides family violence victims through the sometimes bewildering avenues of the legal system. PALS volunteers don't push people down those avenues by saying, ``This is what you must do.'' Rather they guide by saying, ``Here are your options, and here are the possible consequences.'' The decision belongs to the victim, but PALS make sure it's a decision based on knowledge, not fear or confusion.
Sindos, a licensed clinical social worker, grew up in the small town of Franklinton, N.C., near Raleigh. Her father was a doctor; her mother a teacher. Sindos says it was the atmosphere in her home, the inspiration provided by her mother and father, that pointed her toward a career in social work.
``My father,'' she said, ``was a doctor in a small town, and I saw how he took care of peoples' needs. Not just their health needs, but their emotional needs. He saw people as total persons, not just as illnesses.'' Sindos came to Chesapeake earlier this year after retiring as chair of the social work department of Mercy College in Dobbs Ferry, N.Y.
Suppose an abused wife reports abuse. ``The first thing we want to do,'' Sindos says, ``is make sure that woman is protected and safe.'' The victim gives a statement about the abuse, and there is an investigation. If the abuse is confirmed, the judge issues a protective order against the abuser.
The immediate goal is not to bring people into the court system, Sindos says. It is to resolve a bad situation. The judge might order counseling. Maybe making partners aware of problems and feelings can defuse tensions that lead to violence.
But if it's needed, a PALS volunteer works with the victim. Maybe she needs a place to live or financial aid or counseling or the emotional support of someone going to court with her. The volunteer helps the woman find the agencies and the people who can give her that assistance.
``Support and encouragement'' are the words Sindos uses when she talks about the basic role of PALS. Abuse victims' self-esteem is often at a low ebb, Sindos says. They may have been battered physically and emotionally, told that they are stupid or useless. ``And so, when they finally come into the court system, they may be paralyzed as to what to do.''
That's why they sometimes sacrifice safety for immediate needs. It's not uncommon for a woman to return to an abusive situation because she thinks that somehow things will be different. ``Some women go back two or three times or even six or eight times,'' Sindos says. In those situations, PALS walks a line between support and encouragement and becoming the dictator of an abuse victim's actions. ``We respect what a person wants to do,'' Sindos says. ``We will explain all the options, but we will also explain what we see as the consequences.''
Sometimes, Sindos says, explanation of the options opens a victim's eyes to possibilities she was unaware of. For instance, she may have job qualifications she did not consider. Or counseling may help restore her self-esteem to a point at which she's better able to make good decisions about her future. ``We want to help a woman recover her own sense of empowerment,'' Sindos says. ``The key word is `empowerment.' ''
There's a PALS brochure that outlines the less obvious symptoms of abuse. It asks if you are afraid of your partner or if you have changed your life to avoid angering him or her or if the partner smashes things or makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells.
No one, Sindos says, should have to live like that - woman or man, because men can be abuse victims, too. Ask her what she would say to victims of abuse and her response is blunt:
``No one should have control over you. You are able to have strength. You are capable of taking action. No one deserves to be beaten. No one has the right to abuse you physically, emotionally or sexually. If this is happening to you, there are things you can do.''
There's a line in the PALS brochure worth remembering. ``Be silent no more,'' it says. ``Break the cycle of violence.'' by CNB