THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, November 22, 1995 TAG: 9511220059
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 73 lines
I DON'T KNOW whether the news crept into your neighborhood or not, but newspapers and television networks have reported that scientists in Massachusetts have grown a human ear on a mouse's back.
I haven't seen the photos of the mouse-with-ear-on-back, so I can't tell you whether the ear was flat on the mouse's back - like the dishy antenna on a Navy E-2C Hawkeye plane.
For all I know, it could have been upright like a TV satellite dish.
However it was placed, the scientists were certainly thumbing their noses at normal mouse physiology. I suppose they discarded the idea of growing thumbs on mice noses, or eyeballs on their tails, before settling on the ear job.
You are probably wondering - as I am - why, when scientists can cure hams but can't cure the common cold, they are out there growing human ears on mice. You'd think they'd have something better to do with their time.
Hey, there's an idea . . . why not grow a watch on a mouse's back? ``Do you have the time, sir?'' ``Sorry I think it's 9 a.m. but could be 8:45. My watch is a little fast. It just ran into that hole.''
Ever wonder why scientists are always doing experiments with mice.
I think I know. It's because the mouse is too small and helpless to protest., Let's say scientists were attempting to grow grass on a mouse's tail. If the fescue or rye dies, they simply let the mouse go - into a hole somewhere - and no one is the wiser.
Be honest, did you ever read something like this:
Scientists in Massachusetts have successfully grown an upside down human foot on the rump of a Missouri mule.
Of course not. That's because no mule would sit still for something like that. Not even if the foot were wearing a soft carpet slipper. It's always mice.
Suppose you were a mouse. How would you like to have a human ear growing in the middle of your back?
Imagine you are a mouse spouse and here comes your mouse hubby home from work - la-de-da - with a human ear way back there near his behind like a spoiler on a sports car.
What do you say? ``Turn around dear, there's something strange on your back. . . . Hmmm. This is really eerie.''?
The scientists who grew the ear say their research may be of benefit to people who were born without ears or have lost ears by accidents.
I wouldn't want to be the first to wear a mouse-grown ear myself. There are always problems with new medical procedures.
``Congratulations on your new ear, Mr. Smith. It certainly looks nice, but I'd avoid cheese balls, small holes and contact with cats for the first few months.''
Scientists are also fooling around with turkeys. That's because they believe turkeys are so weird looking that whatever genetic changes they make in the birds won't be noticed.
Maybe you saw the item in Sunday's paper about the Dolly Parton turkey. That's a turkey with a breast as big as a basketball - so large that the bird's legs will not support it.
It's true. Turkeys have been bred to have breasts so swollen with white meat that they are too clumsy to mate and often can't stand on their own two drumsticks.
As a rule, I don't approve of scientific engineering with animals, but the Parton turkey may offer scientists an opportunity to help the over-breasted turkeys and Thanksgiving diners who hate turkey, like me.
Why not grow meatballs on the legs of Parton turkeys that can't walk so they can roll around the barnyard? That way the turkeys can live normal, healthy lives until Thanksgiving Day. And turkey haters would have something they enjoy eating on the holiday.
Oh, by the way, Happy Thanksgiving. And pass the rollers, please. by CNB