THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, November 27, 1995 TAG: 9511250009
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 81 lines
HEY THERE, you with the stars in your eyes.
Yes, you, Nancy Reagan. I've been trying to get in touch by phone for days now.
The sky is falling and only Ms. Reagan can help.
Clinton is bogged down in the budget and the Bosnian thing. Bob Dole is out of town campaigning. Nancy is all we've got.
As the only first lady to have employed an astronomer, only she can help.
OK, so the sky isn't re-yuh-ly falling. What has happened is the Earth has been tilting, so the sky - and that includes the stars - has been sliding in its relationship to us, as reported in the Richmond Times-Dispatch's editorial pages.
British astronomers - including the world-renowned astronomer Jacqueline Mitton of the Royal Astronomical Society - have attributed the tilt to the ``recession of equinoxes,'' whatever that is.
No matter what it is, it means the zodiac has been corrected by an astronomical board that is empowered - much like the Federal Reserve Board - to deal with equinoxial recessions.
In making its correction of the zodiac, the board has declared a new, 13th constellation.
First, the good news.
While the tilt has been occurring over many centuries, our planet has not tilted so far that we are all going to fall off like Keystone Cops sliding off a patrol wagon. Truth is it will probably be . . . oh, let's say five or 10 years . . . before the tilt causes furniture to slide across the room as it did on the Titanic and pool balls to stick permanently at one end of the table.
But this is no time to breathe a sigh of relief.
Now, the bad news.
Astronomers have named the 13th constellation in the zodiac OPHIUCUS. Ophiucus is not a harmless constellation but one that derives its name from the most dreaded beast - the serpent!
Phillsworth Dibley, Britain's leading astrological authority on the constellation (found just south of Hercules) - says that, astrologically speaking, Ophiucus is the most menacing constellation in the universe ``and, like the serpent, can strike quickly and at any time.''
People who are born under the sign of Ophiucus - unlike those under other signs of the zodiac - do not have ``good'' and ``bad'' horoscope readings. Ophiucusians are unlikely to ever have a good day, Dibley said.
A typical horoscope for those born under Ophiucus would be:
``Beware of meeting anyone today, including kin. Your food may have been poisoned. Kidnapping of your children and/or household pets is a real possibility at this time.''
Another might be: ``Chain yourself to the bed to prevent uncontrollable fits and seizures that may harm others. Prepare for a financial emergency. Do not be lulled into a false sense of security. Try to look on the dark side.''
Dibley said the examples cited are more benign than typical ones.
It is estimated that as many as 25 million Americans were born under the dreaded sign of Ophiucus. But who they are will not be determined until the World Astrological Federation Congress meets in Vienna next January.
Astrologists say there will be a shifting of signs to accommodate Ophiucus so that persons now born under the sign of, say, Pisces (Feb. 19 to March 20) could end up in either Ophiucus or Aries (March 21 through April 19).
``We're just not certain where Ophiucus will go,'' Dibley said, ``so until January of 1996, the horoscopes in your newspaper are, for all intents and purposes, utterly worthless.''
He said the delay is unfortunate because those born under the sign of the 13th constellation need the protection their horoscope would provide. Dibley believes only someone of Nancy Reagan's stature could persuade the astrological congress to convene early, possibly saving thousands of lives.
``To be born under the sign of Ophiucus is a pitiful thing - worse than being a Democrat,'' he said.
Dibley advised persons who consult horoscopes daily to simply ignore the ones printed in magazines and almanacs. AND TO ASSUME THAT THEY ARE OPHIUCUSIANS.
He advises boarding up the windows and doors, staying indoors and keeping a canary as a detector for escaping gas. by CNB