THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, December 1, 1995 TAG: 9512010023
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Jennifer Dziura
LENGTH: Medium: 81 lines
A MAN IN RHODE Island was arrested and charged with breaking open vending machines. Bail was set at $400. He paid it in quarters.
This anecdote was featured in a book published this fall called ``America's Dumbest Criminals.'' The dumb amongst humanity, however, aren't all stamping license plates.
Elbert Hubbard, a turn-of-the-century writer and publisher, observed that every man was a fool for at least five minutes per day. Some people, it seems, do their utmost to make that five minutes memorable.
Last year, I was enrolled in a photography class in which the final project consisted of 12 photographs and the corresponding negatives. The negatives were required to prove that the photos weren't someone else's.
One young woman handed in 12 nicely developed photographs and a stack of negatives. The only problem was that none of the negatives matched the pictures. The suspicious teacher asked the student where her ``other'' negatives were. ``But Mr. X,'' she replied, ``the negatives didn't come out!''
More overt stupidity: While playing a current events game in class recently, the question ``To whom is Colin Powell allegedly related?'' was posted. One young man answered ``Prince Charles.''
The answer key listed ``Queen Elizabeth.'' The young man calmly pointed out that if one is related to Prince Charles, one is necessarily related to his mother as well. Most of the class nodded in assent. But one student, furious at the young man's receiving credit for his answer, protested.
``Colin Powell can't be related to
Prince Charles and Queen Elizabeth,'' she snarled. ``One's a MAN, and the other's a WOMAN!''
Now, I know we have a problem with fatherless families in this country, but I didn't realize it had gone that far. Apparently, this young woman believes she has descended from a long line of women, perhaps through cloning or spore production.
Such foolishness, however, is not limited to spontaneous lapses. The arena of advertising is rife with folly.
Portsmouth resident Darryl Gillikin, 19, observes: ``One thing I've noticed is the current Gatorade commercials with the nice slogan `Life's a sport. Drink it up.' However, I have yet to encounter a sport which is consumable in liquid form.''
It should be noted that the pronoun ``it'' refers to ``life.'' Just as sports usually fail to qualify as any particular form of matter, it is generally considered impossible to appropriate life as a beverage. I guess the idea is that if you could drink life, it would taste like Gatorade - kind of tart, and good after a basketball game.
A commercial that must have required the combined foolishness of an entire committee is the Pampers ad that claims ``Pampers. All they need to succeed.''
Now, I don't spend much time with incontinent babies (are there any other kind?), but I'll grant that Pampers perhaps contain many functional features that may very well contribute to a child's dermatological health and psychological well-being.
But all they need to succeed? Shouldn't your average Pampers-clad child also, say, learn to read? How about graduating from high school? Or developing a sense of responsibility? Or learning to drink from a cup? Or at least learning not to spit up on other people.
Darryl ponders, ``I wonder if success is guaranteed by continued use of Pampers through adulthood.'' Perhaps that's the ticket to an Ivy League education. Just send a few proofs-of-purchase from Pampers along with your application and demand that you be accepted, because Pampers are all you need to succeed. Maybe you could send the proofs-of-purchase in lieu of SAT scores. Heck, why not just forget college altogether - wielding your proofs-of-purchase, just demand a job at the Fortune 500 company of your choice. Don't forget the corner office and the health care benefits. If it doesn't work, sue Pampers.
So that's my two bits worth of stupidity (at least I didn't steal them from a vending machine). Perhaps if stupidity were a liquid, it would taste like Gatorade. MEMO: Jennifer Dziura is a senior at Cox High School. Her column appears
bimonthly. If you'd like to comment on her column, call INFOLINE at
640-5555 and enter category 6778 or write to her at 4565 Virginia Beach
Blvd., Virginia Beach, Va. 23462 by CNB