THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Saturday, December 2, 1995 TAG: 9512010031
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 80 lines
I HATE TO SAY IT, but I think Hampton Roads is suffering from two-headed turtle inertia.
You may have read the story in our paper. The two-headed snapping turtle is in a biology lab at Thomas Nelson Community College, in Hampton.
The turtle is 5 years old and named This and That.
I guess people here in Hampton Roads are more sophisticated than the small town in North Carolina where I grew up. I'll bet if we'd had something like that in Lumberton, N.C., the newspaper would have put out a special edition. And all the kids would have been let out early from school so they could see it.
Not here. Wherever I go I mention the amazing two-headed turtle and people just yawn. What kind of place is this anyway?
I thought by now that we'd have banners in the streets that read ``Welcome to Hampton Roads - Home of the Two-Headed Turtle.'' Or: ``This and That Is Where It's At'' - which becomes profound when you think about it.
What's wrong with people anyway?
And it's not just here. I just placed a call to a news editor at a well-known cable news network.
``Hello, sorry to be so late phoning, but I have a big item here I think you'd be interested in,'' I said.
``What's that?'' the man replied.
``I'm phoning about a two-headed turtle. It's right here, actually in Hampton.''
AND THE FLAMING IDIOT SAYS TO ME:
``What is a two-headed turtle?''
``You've seen a live turtle with a head?'' I asked.
``Sure?''
``Well, this one is just like that but has an extra head.''
``Two heads?''
``Right.''
AND THEN HE SAID:
``Well, what does it do?''
I couldn't believe it. I should have told him that it has a teensie push-button phone that it uses to communicate with itself. Or that it sings duets. Or that it uses a pebble to play football with itself and butts its own heads after each touchdown.
What does it do?! Get, a grip, man. A two-headed turtle is a phenomenon. Like Niagara Falls, or the Statue of Liberty, or the Grand Canyon. It is like a television editor - it doesn't have to do anything.
Well, I'll tell you what the two-headed turtle does. I just got off the phone with Susan Fortunato, who is the supervisor of the biology lab at Thomas Nelson.
She says the turtle is housed in a 10-gallon aquarium where the water level is about 2 1/2 inches deep.
The turtle spends much of its time resting. But Fortunato said at feeding time the two heads do not work together. ``For instance if one of the heads has a worm in its mouth, the other will snap at the worm trying to eat it,'' she said.
You see. Granted, the two-headed turtle isn't halftime at the Super Bowl, but from where I come from it's deemed interesting.
And it frosts me to hear people put it down. For instance, a professor at one of our universities was quoted as saying a two-headed turtle is not very unusual.
OK, Prof. So how come I never see anything like this in the paper?:
``The Virginia Beach SPCA will hold a two-headed turtle walkathon on Saturday to raise funds for operating expenses.'' Or: ``A two-headed turtle named Oscar won the two-headed turtle derby in Richmond last Thursday by a pair of noses, crossing the finish line ahead of over 50 entries from across Virginia.''
Fortunately, some folks have come to their senses about the importance of our fantastic two-headed turtle. I am proud to announce on behalf of the Festevents planning committee that This and That have been invited to be grand marshals of the 1996 Annual Downtown Doo-Dah Parade.
The committee said the invitation is a joint one. If This turns it down, an acceptance by That will be welcomed and honored. Or vice-versa, of course. by CNB