THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, December 3, 1995 TAG: 9511290040
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: HE SAID, SHE SAID
SOURCE: KERRY DOUGHERTY & DAVE ADDIS
LENGTH: Medium: 80 lines
DAVE SAYS:
Something weird happened during a time-out of a pro football game last weekend, Kerry. You're not a fan, so I'm sure you missed it, but it's something you could profit from knowing about.
Instead of the 1,478th running of the Red Dog beer commercial, they ran one of those spooky Calvin Klein perfume ads, where all the models look like they died last Tuesday. Commercials during football games are always for guy-stuff, like beer and power tools, so it was a little confusing at first. Then I remembered: Christmas is coming.
Calvin knows marketing. He thinks all of us who watch football haven't a clue about what to buy our ladies for Christmas, so that we'll stay in their good graces and be allowed to watch the playoffs in January. Calvin's doing us a favor, he figures, by hinting that every woman will faint for joy if we slip a little bottle of Obsession under her tree.
But a story in The Wall Street Journal the other day exposed the fly in Calvin's ointment: Kitchen smells are far more effective than perfume when it comes to, well, putting a little more lead in a guy's pencil.
It seems that medical researchers in Chicago wired a blood-flow monitor to the ``nether regions'' of a bunch of male volunteers and subjected them to various smells. Then they recorded the level of stimulation that followed.
Get this, Kerry: When it came to getting the volunteers' attention, cinnamon rolls beat perfume, hands down.
Donuts scored big, too, as did strawberries. Among older guys, a scent of vanilla got the blood flowing. But what really made the volunteers salute, the researchers found, was a subtle mix of pumpkin pie and lavender.
Now I'm not quite dumb enough to think that I can just slip a bottle of vanilla extract into Kay's stocking and expect nothing but warm feelings for the Jolly Old Elf.
But if the point of perfume is to make women more alluring, wouldn't it make sense, Kerry, for y'all to use a little less Calvin Klein and a little more Duncan Hines?
KERRY SAYS:
OK, OK, Dave, I'll dab a little gravy behind my ears on Christmas morning and make Steve a happy man. In fact, I'll go right home and pour the Giorgio down the sink.
Listen, I understand the importance of smelling good. You forget, my friend, that I lived in Europe for three years.
You really haven't had an olfactory overload until you've traveled for 12 hours on a crowded bus full of East Germans on a wet day. I was longing for the aroma of a cow pasture by the time we rolled into Berlin.
But I digress.
I think most women know that perfume is not something we wear to turn men on. We wear it because we like the smell - and sometimes to help mask the manly aroma emanating from you.
Why would you want to spend $90 an ounce to romance a man who thinks Labrador retrievers smell good?
I had a short career as a sports writer, Dave. It was long enough to get a noseful of eau de locker room - a smell that's somewhat worse than a Labrador retriever and a little bit better than road kill.
My husband's pretty much of a neatnik. And yet, just last week I had to sneak Steve's boat shoes out to the shed because they were making my eyes water every time I opened the closet.
I have never operated under any illusion that dousing myself with Obsession, White Shoulders or Chanel would turn on a guy who's oblivious to the aroma of ripening sweat socks.
When I wear a new scent it's my women friends who admire it. And that's fine with me.
Pardon me if I pass on any concoction that mixes lavender and pumpkin pie. I've never known anyone under the age of 80 who pampered herself with lavender.
Here's a frightening thought: Maybe it's not a Sharon Stone that turns you guys on, but the image of a gray-haired woman in a colorful house dress pulling a pie out of the oven on Thanksgiving Day.
Bon apetit, boys! by CNB