THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, December 11, 1995 TAG: 9512090052
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 78 lines
Two shopping channels are on my cable package. All through the night women with frosted hair-dos are hawking things I don't need. Item after item: Hummel figurines, socket wrenches, autographed footballs and cassettes of the Chipmunks singing holiday favorites.
I don't need recommendations for gifts. What I need is a wrapping channel, that's with a W, I already have one that - Unh!. . . Unh! Feel the vibrations - blasts rap music.
Wouldn't that be great. Unless you attended the Corcoran School of Art or majored in package wrapping at MIT, odds are you find gift-wrapping the most intimidating part of Christmas, too.
Unless you are really arty. Arty people can whip a few yards of tissue paper around a lawn mower, cut zig-zags of cardboard for antlers and - voila! - it looks exactly like a wrapped reindeer under the tree.
But what about the rest of us? An ideal wrapping channel would have interesting guests who were experts on wrapping and could guide us through the process. For instance:
``All Christmas wrapping begins with Scotch tape. Please welcome Fred Wizeman, who has discovered a simple method of finding the end of the tape when it has stuck to the roll. He'll show you how to deal with the problem using a simple home humidifier and a pair of tweezers.''
I tell you the public is desperate for a show like that. I don't know about you, but I always begin with a fresh roll of tape that is quickly exhausted. There is always a spare roll of transparent tape in the supply drawer under the rusty can opener. It does not fit the dispenser. It also has pieces of lint stuck to the sides and has somehow fused itself together so there is no more hope of cracking it than a basalt rock.
Moreover, The Amazing Kreskin or David Copperfield working together could not find the end of the damned thing.
Another interesting person the Wrapping Channel could provide while showing how to wrap angular packages that defy envelopment in paper or tissue is an animal hypnotist:
``Now welcome please, Dr. Guther Bolt, world-renowned animal hypnotist who will show you how to hypnotize your own dog during the difficult and trying gift-wrapping process.''
What a public service that would be! Did you ever notice how no matter how uninterested a household pet is in what you are doing, the minute you bring out the gift-wrapping paper and ribbon everything changes? It's incredible.
I don't know how to hypnotize my cocker spaniel, Mabel. But last year I found a solution to the problem. Mabel lies on the sofa with one eye closed until I fetch the ribbon, tubes of wrapping paper, scissors, etc. from the spare bedroom.
At that moment, an amazing transformation occurs. She is suddenly alert. She hops from sofa to floor to chair, landing in the chair next to me. Just as I am spreading the gifts and wrapping stuff on the kitchen counter.
And there she sits, eyes bright, watching everything while inching forward in her chair the way TV watchers do when it is time for the gigantic fireworks and musical display during halftime at the Orange Bowl.
Then, just as I place both hands and a foot on a large package, attempting to hold everything in place while reaching for some ribbon, she will grab the roll of ribbon in her mouth and run from room to room with it, the ribbon unfurling like a banner carried by college cheerleaders.
She always grabs something. Ribbon, tape, the scissors, rolls of paper, anything. Last year I found the solution. I wrapped Mabel first. That's right. Just trussed her up with wrapping paper and ribbon until she looked like a dog impersonating a Christmas mummy. But with ears sticking out.
She lurched and stumbled around the room for about 40 minutes attempting to free herself by chewing at the wrapping paper. Now and then she'd flop on her back, flailing her wrapped paws at the ceiling. She finally emerged from the paper cocoon. By then I had wrapped five or six packages.
I can't really recommend this technique for everybody. It might be harmful to some dogs. And is not as effective as hypnotism. But if you're inclined to wrap an animal, I suggest that you start with your cat, first. And be sure to lemme know how that works out. by CNB