THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1995, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, December 18, 1995 TAG: 9512180135
SECTION: SPORTS PAGE: C6 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Bob Molinaro
LENGTH: Medium: 71 lines
'Twas the week before Christmas
when all through the town
a salesman named Lonie was making the rounds.
His prices were run in the papers each day
in hopes that Hampton Roads soon would pay his way.
The fans, what there were, nestled snug in their beds,
while visions of more red ink danced in Lonie's head.
With our VCRs all set for Madden and Pat,
we were awakened by the sound of a businessman's rap.
When out on the news there arose such a clatter,
we stirred from our boredom to see what was the matter.
While squinting into TV lights most brightly,
Lonie said he wasn't taking Hampton Roads lightly.
Both Lonie the son and Bernie the dad
decided that their team needed Hampton Roads very bad,
The flattering words heard that very day
created an illusion of big-league in the place by the bay,
When, what to our skeptical eyes did appear
but Forrest Gregg and a few pieces of shiny new football gear.
Leaving behind creditors irate,
Lonie promised our fans a team of losing Pirates,
What belonged to Shreveport is now a Hampton Roads import.
The little elf proclaimed, as he called to the masses to get in the game:
``Now, Portsmouth! Now, Hampton!
``Now, Chesapeake and Norfolk!
``On, Virginia Beach! On, Newport News! On, Gloucester and Suffolk!
``To the cellular phones! To the checkbooks most of all! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away, all!''
To the TV and papers Lonie did scurry
while back in Louisiana debts mounted in a hurry,
A million dollars here, a million there,
Lonie left the cupboard bare.
With a bag full of promises, Lonie insisted we shouldn't fret,
It is not our problem that Shreveport was left to sweat,
Bills for renovations and a stadium lease
are not enough to keep this elf on anyone's leash.
So to Hampton Roads he arrived with a bound,
almost turning the media's head completely around.
He was dressed most casually from head to foot,
barely pausing to shake off the Louisiana soot.
A bundle of deals he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler who wouldn't let you see into his sack.
In a twinkling, over at ODU,
checking out the field was You Know Who.
When he saw the old place, his eyes they did glitter,
he did not seem in the least to mind the litter.
For improvements, Lonie suggested without a pause
that the taxpayers become his Santa Claus.
His goal, he said, is to fill Foreman to the rim,
though first he must make a deal with Dr. Jim.
And so it was that I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight,
``This is the market for us, our future is bright.''
Cute and cuddly, he's a right merry little elf,
but I laughed when I heard him in spite of myself.
Whatever he said, whenever he spoke,
I kept waiting for the punchline to a Christmas joke. by CNB