The Virginian-Pilot 
                             THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT 
              Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: Monday, January 1, 1996                TAG: 9512300043
SECTION: DAILY BREAK              PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 
TYPE: Column 
SOURCE: Larry Bonko 
                                             LENGTH: Medium:   83 lines

RESOLUTIONS FOR THE NEW YEAR START WITH CHUNG

MY NEW YEAR'S resolutions:

I resolve to ask Connie Chung if and when she is going back to work.

I also resolve to move to a planet where they've never heard of the theme from ``Friends.''

And to write a thank-you note to Fox for keeping ``Party of Five'' on the air despite poor ratings.

I resolve to find out who cut the horns off the goat that eats the paper with the lousy credit reports on the Charlie Falk commercials.

I also resolve to defend ``Xena, Warrior Princess'' against those who say the series is nothing but trash that exploits bosomy women. It's art.

And I resolve to spend some time on the roof with the WTKR weather guys to find out how cold it really gets up there.

I resolve to ask Luke Perry, David Caruso and Mandy Patinkin why they walked away from successful shows that would have made them secure for life.

I resolve to continue watching ``Murder One,'' the drama that moves slower than a glacier - not because I like it but because it's my duty as a TV writer to suffer for my craft.

I resolve to ask my barber to give me the David ``Friends'' Schwimmer cut.

And if, heaven forbid, I have to pass another kidney stone, I resolve to find an emergency room like the one on ``ER,'' where they help you right away.

I also resolve to ask Kathleen Robertson (Clare on ``Beverly Hills 90210'') why she wears so much make-up.

And why Josie Bissett on ``Melrose Place'' wears her hair so short.

I also resolve to tell John Henson that's he's better at hosting ``Talk Soup'' than movie big shot Greg Kinnear ever was.

And I resolve to watch ``Nightline'' at 11:35 p.m. until David Letterman puts the zip back into his late show. Let's have less talk, more comedy, Dave.

In the year ahead, I resolve to suggest a new topic for Oprah or Ricki Lake: Talk-show hosts whose ratings fall as they lose weight and turn into glamour queens.

I also resolve to spend 20 minutes a day doing exercise with the hard bods on the Fit-TV cable channel.

And I resolve to continue watching ``Monday Night Football'' with the sound turned off. With three men in the booth, its 26th season was a tower of babble.

I resolve to stop moping around because ABC canceled my favorite show, ``My So-Called Life.''

And I resolve to ask Joe Flanagan's boss at WVEC to bring his ``Joe's Job'' segment back to the 6 p.m. news. I forget it's on at 5 and miss it. There isn't enough offbeat stuff like ``Joe's Job'' on local TV.

I resolve to find out what Heather Locklear of ``Melrose Place'' and Pamela Anderson of ``Baywatch'' see in drummer Tommy Lee. It must be the tattoos.

I also resolve to ask WAVY weather reporter Jim Lawrence why his ties are always black on white.

And I resolve to decide, once and for all, if I like Kate Mulgrew's hair up or down. She's the captain on ``Star Trek: Voyager.''

I also resolve to put pressure on Danny Bonaduce's producers to give him a late-night talk show now that his morning program is history. He's a hoot.

In 1996, I promise to ask Julia Louis-Dreyfus of ``Seinfeld'' about wearing the gown with the deep plunging neckline at the Emmys. Wait. I already asked her that. She said that it was ``risky'' and that at any moment the dress could have been a big, big problem.

I resolve to try to understand why NBC and ABC plan to start up 24-hour news channels on cable when CNN is lucky if it can manage a 1.0 rating.

I also resolve not to say CBS was nuts for giving Bill Cosby a two-year commitment to air his sitcom until I see the show.

I resolve in 1996 to continue to criticize the networks for loading up 8 p.m. shows with sexual themes and frank dialogue not fit for kids. Even ``60 Minutes'' got into the act by showing Julie Andrews with her chest exposed.

I also resolve to stick with ``The X-Files'' until I find two good reasons for watching that show. So far, I've found only one - Gillian Anderson.

I resolve to never again watch Yoko Ono do a sitcom. She was dreadful on ``Mad About You.''

Finally, I resolve not to laugh if I hear that Shannen Doherty is getting a talk show. If they can give a talk show to Gabrielle Carteris, they can give a talk show to anyone who was in the cast of ``Beverly Hills 90210.'' by CNB