THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, January 3, 1996 TAG: 9601030032
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY DENISE WATSON, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 186 lines
ANYONE NOT familiar with Wisdom House or women who meet there wouldn't understand the importance of the small black box Susan Irish held in her hand recently.
It was a box of makeup. Loose powder. A beigy foundation she could pull out of a drawer and pat on to make herself feel beautiful whenever she wished.
And she had brought it with her to Wisdom House for ``Giveaway Night,'' an evening to part with something once too precious to live without.
In one hand, Irish held an inspirational book to give away. In the other, her box of Yves Saint Laurent foundation.
``When I used to wear it, I thought I was flawless,'' she said. ``But I just don't have time for makeup anymore.''
The women, who call themselves the Circle of Women, smiled. They knew they weren't looking at a working mom too busy to use a blush brush; they were looking at a woman too tired of having to feel perfect.
Irish, like many other women who attend programs at Wisdom House, has unloaded her demons and picked up a greater sense of self-love and inner peace in the two-story house by Linkhorn Bay in Virginia Beach.
A year old, Wisdom House is a one-of-a-kind retreat center in South Hampton Roads. It's open to women whose minds, bodies and spirits need healing. The members of the Circle of Women have adopted the place as their base, but many other women come for other programs and workshops.
Other local women's centers offer periodic recharges, but Wisdom House also has kayaking and camping in the spring and summer and self-empowerment workshops and individual counseling by the living-room fireplace in the fall and winter.
Elaine Birk, a licensed clinical social worker, turned what was once rental property she owned into a retreat because she felt local women could use a home of their own.
``The idea of empowerment is what this is about,'' said Birk, who runs house's seminars. ``Being able to say, `This is what I want, this is what I need. . . .'
``Women tend to be isolated in the house or in the workplace, which isn't always supportive. A group is often a way to learn to love other women and for women to love themselves. There's always that judging, `Where do I stand compared to you?' This is eliminating that competition.''
The idea for Wisdom House was born during a camping trip Birk and a friend took more than a year ago.
``The camping was wonderful,'' Birk said. ``We felt good about ourselves. We didn't wash our hair, we didn't worry about if what we wore matched.
``We didn't have a man to turn to and say, `Honey, can you move this for me?' We were getting down and dirty.''
Birk, a 47-year-old Virginia Beach resident, thought of the house by the bay she and her second husband had bought 10 years before and realized she could use it to carry the camping experience further.
With the help of family and friends, Birk renovated the house, painting over the purple-striped walls left by tenants, putting in new screens for the back porch and resurfacing some of the scarred hardwood floors.
Wisdom House emerged two months later - overstuffed couches and wicker chairs in white-washed rooms, hanging plants and African drums resting in corners, Birk's hand-crafted pottery on bookshelves and small tables.
``I searched hard for a name,'' Birk said. `` `Wisdom House:' that sounds so presumptuous. What's wisdom? I certainly didn't want to say I have wisdom, but it is about wisdom. Finding your own wisdom, your own voice.''
When the house was ready, Birk advertised, sending fliers to other therapists and tacking up announcements at deli counters. But the project had its glitches.
She discovered many women wanted to participate but didn't have the time.
``This comes up, that comes up. Kids, house, husbands. Or they are just too tired at the end of the week to do it,'' Birk said. ``We even tried day care for awhile, but that still didn't work. The women still felt they were imposing, putting someone else out.''
When women did attend, some of their husbands and boyfriends began to complain.
``They become threatened when women begin taking care of their own needs and becoming more assertive in what they want and what makes them happy,'' Birk said.
Still, for many women, Wisdom House had become the ``place of healing'' Birk wanted.
Irish met Birk through church three years ago and helped form the Circle of Women, a group that now meets every three weeks at Wisdom House to share support and friendship.
The group's meetings used to rotate between the homes of the 20 to 25 women who make up the circle. Wisdom House now provides the meeting place the group needs.
``I think it's a place for women to find out who they are,'' Irish said. ``It's a need we all have to take care of ourselves. The self-nurturing, one weekend, one full day is a gift to my self. To my soul.''
Irish was once a woman too busy taking care of others to take care of herself.
But she's found a balance.
Through a Wisdom House seminar called ``Circle of Stones,'' Irish found strength in sharing life's experiences with other women. During a ``Vision Quest'' weekend retreat, Irish and others discussed personal goals and ways to meet them.
``Before, I didn't have good coping techniques, and I cope better now,'' Irish said. ``I see problems more as challenges than obstacles.''
Lynn Lantz of Virginia Beach has found what she'd been missing in Wisdom House.
``I felt I didn't have enough intimacy, enough creativity or spirituality in my life,'' Lantz said. ``But I've found it here. I feel I can share anything here. . .B. I know this is something women crave. My friends from New York come here and say they wish they had this back home. My friends from Milwaukee visit and say the same thing.''
And Birk has found her peace through Wisdom House. That's a big leap for the woman who couldn't step in the house two years ago because it reminded her of her old, less happy life in Cass City, Mich.
``It had too much of that farmhouse feeling to it,'' Birk said recently while sitting on the back porch of Wisdom House, looking out at the bay. ``I didn't feel comfortable here.''
Birk was once a rebellious teenager growing up in Michigan, becoming pregnant and dropping out of high school by age 16.
``I eventually received my GED, but by the time I was 27 years old, I was a farm wife with three kids,'' she said. ``Complete with a pickup truck with manure in the back and Plexiglas windows you couldn't roll down.''
One day she heard a radio announcement of the last day to register for classes at an area community college.
``I packed up the kids and drove the 70 miles to register. I saw school as my ticket,'' Birk said. ``It was the beginning of the end of my marriage.''
The transition wasn't easy.
``Over three years, the marriage slowly deteriorated,'' Birk said. ``He didn't want me to change, he wanted me to be the 16-year-old girl he married. It was a long, painful struggle.
``When I left, I think I was so desperate to be away from that conflict in order to do what I felt I had to do. . . . I just shut down my feelings, I didn't feel. I just did.''
After divorcing, Birk received her undergraduate and graduate degrees in social work. She remarried and moved 10 years ago to Hampton Roads, where she worked with Virginia Beach Comprehensive Mental Health Services for five years before becoming a licensed clinical social worker and going into private practice.
She now has three grown sons, a 7-year-old son and 5-year-old daughter. She has Tuesdays and Wednesdays booked for clients at a Virginia Beach office she shares with her doctor husband. And she has Wisdom House.
``I've grown,'' Birk said. ``I was able to work through all of that. I've healed, and that's why I'm able to come in here and do this. I'm at a different place in my life. I wouldn't have been able to do this 11 years ago. I was into status, large house, those things.''
``I'm more mindful now of the natural beauty of things, this marsh, the water, the trees,'' Birk said, waving at the oaks shielding Wisdom House.
``Life.''
Birk was ready for ``Giveaway'' night and lugged out The Box and placed it on the table.
The women gasped.
The oddly shaped, chocolate-brown clay box was the gift Birk made for her 47th birthday in September. The circle knew the history of The Box.
When Birk shared The Box in September, she opened it to symbolically free all of the treasures she had been forced to hold in when she was younger - her voice, her courage, her anger, her curiosity, her creativity.
They were hers to keep now and she no longer needed The Box.
``This is for someone who needs to go into their own box and pull out their own treasures,'' Birk said to the circle women. ``It belongs to them.''
All of the items were on the table now, including The Box, the makeup, a black silk scarf, a two-faced candle holder one woman had bought with some of the first dollars she'd ever earned. The women could now pick something to keep from the lot.
Lantz took the scarf because it would be a cherished reminder of the friend who gave it away. Another took the makeup because she liked to collect boxes. Birk picked up a dulcimer and ran her fingers across its strings.
``I think I'll take this,'' Birk said, admiring the instrument's gleaming wood. ``There's something peaceful, meditative about it. I think it belongs here at Wisdom House.'' MEMO: RETREATS
For more information about Wisdom House, call 496-3041.
Circle of Stones'' retreat: Saturday, Jan. 27, 1996, 10-4 p.m. Cost
is $50. Bring a blanket, a drum if you have one, a journal and a bag
lunch.
Finding One's Way With Clay'': Six weeks, Mondays 7-9 p.m., begins
Jan. 8. Cost is $90 and includes materials.
A Time to Grieve,'' discussing losses in life: Two-day workshop,
Friday, Feb. 16, and Saturday, Feb. 17. Cost of the workshop including
materials is $85. ILLUSTRATION: Color photos by BETH BERGMAN, The Virginian-Pilot
Above: Elaine Birk, who created Wisdom House, has lunch on the
porch
Left: Lynn Lantz of Virginia Beach, center, leans on Cyn Matchett of
Chesapeake during a cession.
Photo by BETH BERGMAN, The Virginian-Pilot
Suzanne Biggs of Norfolk listens as other women share their
offerings during a group swap at Wisdom House.
by CNB