THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, January 3, 1996 TAG: 9512300170
SECTION: ISLE OF WIGHT CITIZEN PAGE: 02 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Linda McNatt
LENGTH: Medium: 86 lines
Find a chair, relax and listen as I tell you what I see in the crystal ball for 1996.
Early in the year, soon after he rehires Dave Murphy, Hilda Harmon, Lud Creef (and everybody else he hired away from Suffolk when he moved to Isle of Wight), Suffolk City Manager (and former county administrator) Myles Standish will decide that he really liked Isle of Wight better. Since the county administrator's spot is filled, he will become head animal control officer. Meanwhile, Lynn O'Berry will open her own game preserve on Ragged Island.
Creef won't stay in Suffolk for long. The public works director will answer a call to Hollywood after a major motion picture production company accepts scripts Creef has been working on secretly about the adventures of Scud, the goat. Look for ``Scud Does Las Vegas,'' ``Scud Meets Superman,'' and ``Scud, Under the Hayloft'' on marquees.
In the early spring, sometime around March, Macy's will announce that it will be the cornerstone store for a huge, triple-decker mall on U.S. Route 17 in Isle of Wight, just this side of the James River Bridge. (Prediction for summer 1997: The triple-decker mall will sink into the marshes of the James River and become an oyster rock.)
In the early summer, Sheriff Charlie Phelps will resign his position to fulfill a lifelong desire to become an ``easy rider.'' Phelps says in his announcement that he has secretly for years been a member of a Southern California motorcycle gang, winging his way back and forth to the West Coast on long weekends in Joe Luter's jet, piloted by John Travolta.
In midsummer, a local reporter reveals that the yellow brick road actually leads to Virginia Avenue in Windsor. The wizard residing there, in his retirement, has for years been the great ``Oz,'' handing out advice and information that helps the world to be a more peaceful place. Reporter gets Pulitzer Prize for story that goes international on the Internet.
By late summer, Joe Luter will have $6 million worth of carnival equipment in place on his Pagan River estates. Ferris wheels, merry-go-rounds and roller coasters light up the landscape for miles at night. Homeless canines Luter invites to frolic in the Isle of Wight ``Neverland'' will feast on endless ``Big 8'' hot dogs and bologna.
Later in the summer, huge oysters - with pearls - mysteriously appear in the James River, bringing untold fortunes to watermen who have stuck it out through all of the trials and tribulations. Deep sea divers from throughout the world converge on Isle of Wight to share the wealth. But Gov. Billy K. Barlow (who takes over when George Allen joins Phelps in California) makes it illegal for outsiders to invade the James. The Smithfield Police Department's diving team patrols the river. Meanwhile, Chief Mark Marshall has returned to his roots as a waterman.
In the early fall, County Administrator Doug Caskey resigns to finally fulfill his dreams of becoming a member of the Charlotte Hornets. Caskey has been drafted to play center for the basketball team. Meanwhile, Caskey's wife, Robbie, takes over the county administrator's spot.
In October, County Tourism Director Diane Howard announces her candidacy for president. Howard says she will run as an independent and makes it clear that her campaign will be financed by Ross Perot. Meanwhile, Connie Rhodes resigns her position as Chamber director to be Howard's campaign manager, and Howard's husband, Richard, takes to wearing an apron and gets accustomed to being called the ``first man.''
About the same time, a Carnival cruise ship, led by the beacon of the lighthouse at Smithfield Station, goes aground in the Pagan River. Kathy Lee Gifford will burst out of one of the staterooms, singing. Eventually, before the ship can be moved, Gifford decides that she wants to raise her children in the small-town atmosphere of Smithfield. Gifford will buy the cruise ship and open it as Isle of Wight's first riverboat gambling casino by mid-1997.
In November, an animal rights activist (disguised as a pilgrim) releases all of the hogs waiting in trucks at the packing plants. International news reporters who converge on the area call the event a ``miracle'' when the pigs start talking and take over major town and county positions relinquished by others who have answered the call to Hollywood, the West Coast and politics.
In December, Citizen columnist Linda McNatt, mumbling ``humbug,'' quits her job and finally fulfills her dream of moving to Alaska, where she immediately starts writing highly successful romance novels. Sometime in mid-1997, McNatt will hire Fabio to pose as a Confederate Civil War intelligence officer on the cover of one of her books. McNatt and Fabio will fall in love.
Ann Hubbard, hired by McNatt to paint the portraits for covers of her highly successful novels, is matron of honor at the wedding, held in a re-creation of Historic St. Luke's Church that McNatt has had constructed in Fairbanks. The construction is made possible because McNatt is so fabulously wealthy. by CNB