THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, January 10, 1996 TAG: 9601100038
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 58 lines
Everyone blames teachers when a new survey shows that kids can't find their own state on a map. Or believe that syntax is a tax on a bawdy house.
No one asks whether kids are simply more stupid than they used to be. Of course, that doesn't apply to your kids and mine. They are budding geniuses.
Maybe kids aren't more stupid than they used to be. The answer may be that they listen to so much hard rock on their CDs with the volume set on high that their hearing is damaged.
Something's wrong, for sure.
And there's no better evidence than the collection of student bloopers gathered by author Richard Lederer, who is pulling together a book - ``Fractured English: A Pleasury of Bloopers and Blunders, Fluffs and Flubs, Gaffs and Goofs'' - to be published by Pocket Books this year.
Some of Lederer's student bloopers were published in the latest issue (Dec. 31) of The National Review, which hangs out at 150 E. 35th St. in New York, ZIP 10016, and has given us permission to use them.
Lederer says these student bloopers are all genuine and not retouched.
Here are a few handed in to teachers by youths around the world, beginning with the young scholars' research on the Bible:
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Kids also make interesting Shakespearean scholars:
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William J. Shakespeare. Sheakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. A soliloquy is a conversation between one person. Hamlet has an edible complex.
All MacBeth does is follow his wife's odors. During the banquet scene, Lady MacBeth is afraid her husband will expose himself in front of his guests.
After much fighting in the public square, Romeo's last wish is to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. Her wrote ``Donkey Hote.''
If you have a really good blooper, pass it along to me and I'll forward it to Lederer. Write c/o The Virginian-Pilot, 150 W. Brambleton Ave., Norfolk, Va. 23510. Or fax to 446-2414. Hope to hear from you. by CNB