THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, January 16, 1996 TAG: 9601160021
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MATTHEW BOWERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 125 lines
THERE ARE MANY ways to tell your children that they're going to be getting a new brother or sister.
Shouting it over your shoulder as you squeeze your swollen abdomen and packed bags through the doorway on the way to the maternity ward is not the best of them.
Kids aren't stupid. They usually figure something's up even before they find their stuff in the hall and a crib where their bed used to be. And the pending changes could disturb them.
Don't keep them in the dark about upcoming additions to the family, naturally born or adopted. Tell them early, tell them often and get them involved in the new-baby preparations, say child-development experts and experienced parents.
Try to remember that, in a real way for your children, the new siblings are their babies too.
``The more there's a feeling of participation in those kinds of activities, the better,'' said Dr. Eitan D. Schwarz, who heads the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Evanston Hospital in Evanston, Ill. ``That's why it's better to have both parents sit down and prepare the child.''
While the parents may be excited about having another child, the children they already have may feel confused, anxious, threatened, even angry.
Their position in the family will change, particularly if they're currently the youngest. Will they have to share their rooms, their toys, their parents' love and attention?
If their parents have been divorced and remarried, will the new child make them a stepchild, or push them out of the picture entirely?
Plainly, getting a new brother or sister is ``a big adjustment,'' said Alice L. Twining, a child psychologist in Virginia Beach.
Make it easier, she and others said, by letting children know about a pregnancy as soon as it's confirmed, and certainly before the mother-to-be starts showing. Children will feel left out and perhaps deceived if there's a lot of hushed whispering or baby-type preparations and they're kept out of the loop.
Some parents discuss it sooner rather than later. Brenda A. Diggs of Virginia Beach and her husband talked with their son and daughter about adding a third child before it was even conceived. And later, the son and daughter were with Diggs when a home pregnancy test confirmed she was pregnant.
Taking a different approach, Teresa and Joseph White of Chesapeake didn't tell their son that Teresa was expecting until they got the boy to say he wanted a younger brother or sister. Teresa was about five months along before Jonathon finally gave in.
``And the only way we got that through was telling him he was going to have someone he could beat up on,'' Teresa White said with a laugh - her son was getting picked on by his older sister at the time.
Be truthful about the process, and use the correct words, Twining advised.
``I really think it's important to use the proper terminology with children,'' she said. ``Otherwise, they're going to get freaked out, that `A watermelon is growing inside Mommmy's tummy!' ''
But keep discussion appropriate to the children's ages.
``If you have a child sitting across the table who's 1 year old, you're not going to tell him a thing,'' Schwarz said.
But a child who's just 1 1/2 could be involved with a doll or in activities with other children, ``to give them some experience with the idea,'' he said. ``Just the idea that other little people exist may be a good idea to expose them to.''
Younger children especially learn through stories and play. Use drawings or books, such as ``A Baby Just Like Me,'' by Susan Winter, or the animated ``This Baby,'' by Julia McClelland, two titles among several available at Virginia Beach's Central Library.
To make things more concrete, use dolls, stuffed animals or puppets to depict the family and its new addition, and show how everyone's roles will change and not change. Parents may have to repeat these messages several times with younger children, who may not understand or remember everything at first.
Draw analogies to child-rearing animals on television's ``The Discovery Channel'' or to pets. Point out other infants in the neighborhood or at the store.
If parents already have picked names, they should use them to make the coming baby even more real for their other children. Get out older children's own baby pictures, to remind them that they started the same way, and to connect them with the new arrival.
The primary goal is to assure the children that they'll remain loved. The family is changing, but they're not being replaced.
Twining likes to compare parents' love to a burning candle that, though it lights many other candles, isn't itself diminished.
Don't avoid answering questions, even the hard ones. And don't sugarcoat things - warn the children that a new baby requires much care, that it's going to often make noise and smell bad and take a lot of everyone's time.
It also helps to involve children in the baby preparations where possible and as far as the parents are comfortable. The kids can help buy toys and furniture for their new sibling, help fix up the nursery, pull out some old toys to share, and play along with their own dolls and toy crib.
Young Jennifer Stitt of Virginia Beach helped her mother, Kathy Stitt, pick out a new toy the Christmas before her brother, Brian, was born. Jennifer also helped Stitt practice her Lamaze breathing exercises in preparation for the delivery.
Expecting parents also could let their children tour the hospital, visit the doctor with them and listen to the baby's heartbeat.
``That is very thrilling for the child,'' Twining said.
``Just keep them involved, so they don't think it's a mystery and they're not excluded from the process. Because, really, I think a family has a baby, not just the mom.''
Such a strategy worked for John and Lesley Fedida of Virginia Beach. They got older son Jason excited about Michael's pending birth - the baby would be a ``permanent friend'' to share secrets with, John Fedida kept saying. Jason visited the hospital ahead of time and, moments after Michael was born, Jason got to hold his new brother.
This helped Jason learn his new role in his family. It can be as important to reinforce older children's existing roles, too.
Planning special activities with older children - even as simple as shopping trips while Mom or Dad stays home with the baby - reminds them that they remain special, and provides a chance to talk with them about their new roles as older brothers and sisters.
A new baby offers one of the best opportunities to discuss values, the family and things spiritual, Schwarz said.
Mainly, though, parents should relax. Schwarz says he hardly ever sees sibling rivalry or other problems in families that handle the addition of a child openly and honestly. ILLUSTRATION: Photo illustration by Huy Nguyen/ The Virginian-Pilot
[child hugging mom]
KEYWORDS: SIBLINGS by CNB