THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, January 21, 1996 TAG: 9601170025
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: HE SAID, SHE SAID
SOURCE: KERRY DOUGHERTY & DAVE ADDIS
LENGTH: Long : 102 lines
DAVE SAYS:
Readers never see some of the neatest things that come across the news wires. Here's a gem that moved during the recent snow debacle:
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Because of the blizzard in the Northeast, Martha Stewart has been unable to return from her vacation and has not yet been able to file her askMartha column for this week.)
When I saw that, Kerry, all I could think was, gee, that's pretty a sad admission from good ol' Martha.
Doesn't she know you can make a simple but reliable hot-air balloon from a shower cap and a pair of hotel bedspreads? Why, she could have drifted back North in plenty of time to meet her deadline.
And why did she forget that nifty little trick of fashioning a steam engine from a wax candle and a couple of Maxwell House Coffee cans? Just the trick for choo-chooing your way back to the Hamptons in time to write your column.
The least she could have done is what you and I have done in a pinch: Write the thing on the back of a cocktail napkin and phone it in.
Martha may know canapes, but she has a lot to learn about journalism.
If I recall correctly, Kerry, the very day that Martha Stewart was tragically stranded at some beachfront resort, you were out there reporting a blizzard story with two toddlers strapped to your back.
I'll confess that I don't know a whole heck of a lot about Martha Stewart. But you can't draw a sober breath in America these days without be exposed to her in one form or another.
So I have to ask you, Kerry: Why do women put up with her? Seems to me that the last thing a nation of working women would want is some icon of perfection popping up daily on TV, radio and the newspapers, making every woman she meets seem small and clumsy by comparison.
You will never find a male counterpart for Martha Stewart. Guys know better than to run themselves ragged competing against perfection. A hero with a few flaws is a lot more valuable in the long run. (Among men, this is known as the Richard M. Nixon Solution.)
There are plenty of pre-flawed female role models out there just waiting for adoration, Kerry. Hillary Clinton. Donna Shalala. They'd love your support. And, unlike Martha Stewart, they'll never try to trick you into crafting a Thanksgiving centerpiece from 22,000 cranberries and seven miles of jeweler's wire.
KERRY SAYS:
I hear you, Brother.
I have spent many a restless night obsessing about Martha Stewart. Why I can't BE Martha Stewart, that is.
Martha Stewart proves that it's not
enough for women to be blonde, trim, pretty, good workers and involved mothers. Now we have to learn how to handle glue guns and teeny-weeny drill bits. We're forced, in dead of winter, to scour the grounds for the perfect little acorn to adorn the perfect little objet d'art.
Last November a copy of Martha's Living magazine caught my eye on the newsstand. On the cover was a simple (or so I thought) cranberry wreath on a stark white background.
I coveted that wreath. I could visualize it on my front door.
Like so much of what Martha concocts, it looked simple and clean. Elegant.
I boldly slapped down my $4.50 and rushed home. It was a few hours later I realized that the crimson wreath could indeed be mine - if I quit my job, put my children in daycare 24 hours a day and turned my life over to wreath-making through the month of December.
Common sense prevailed and I dashed over to K-Mart to buy that musical plastic wreath with the winking and blinking snowmen that the children had been begging for.
Ms. Stewart would be horrified.
In Martha's World it's not enough to lovingly fashion every decorative item in your home and every gift you give from odds and ends you just happen to have lying around your sprawling mansion. No sir, you must also make all of your gift containers.
And so I present Martha's most insane idea: the acorn gift box.
Yes, fans, Ms. Stewart suggests you find a ``newly fallen'' acorn, gently remove its cap, carefully hollow out its center, then - get this - wrap extra-fine sandpaper around a pencil eraser and buff out the inside. Then you take wood stain and color the outside of the acorn, leaving it to dry overnight.
Wait, you're not done. Next you ``select'' a small cork (presumably from your extensive cork collection), glue it to the inside of the acorn cap and whittle it down to fit the box.
Then you take your itsy bitsy drill bit and drill a hole through the acorn stem (did we forget to mention your freshly fallen acorn must have a stem?) and tie it with a bit of ribbon.
Now it's the perfect gift box.
I ask you, is this woman out of her mind? Who does she give gifts to, squirrels?
Think about it, sisters. Martha Stewart is getting rich by producing full-color directions on how to make acorn boxes.
Dave, you've got us on this one. Women like me, who are seduced by colorful wreaths on slick magazine covers, are burning up our hard-earned money for the right to be tortured by the likes of the acorn box.
While Martha's vacationing in Tierra Del Fuego.
Come to think of it, why couldn't she have written that column, stuffed it into an acorn box and Fed-Ex'ed it back to her editor? by CNB