                             THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT 
              Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: Tuesday, January 23, 1996              TAG: 9601230042
SECTION: DAILY BREAK              PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 
SOURCE: Craig Shapiro 
                                             LENGTH: Long  :  101 lines

VIDEOMATIC: WHAT ARE YOUR NOMINEES FOR THE HALL OF SHAME

TELL THE TRUTH. Have you ever suffered through a movie that was so abysmal you wanted to throw something heavy at the screen?

One pour soul who works here painfully recalled his first time: It was in 1981 and he'd waited in line to see Bo Derek in ``Tarzan, the Ape Man.'' Though it could be chalked up to youthful naivete, he's still seeing red.

Another guy snuck a peek at this week's column, nodded knowingly, and said, ``Halloween 2.''

We bring this up because it happened to the entire staff the other night. The video was ``Jade'' (Paramount, 1995), and we were

so steamed it was all we could do to storm around the office and mumble; you know, working up a real hissy-fit. Good thing the dog wasn't around.

Then, after forcing down a handful of antacids, we founded the Videomatic Hall of Shame.

Why?

Two words: Joe Eszterhas.

He's the hack masquerading as a screenwriter who cooked up this mess. If the name doesn't ring a bell, his other ``work'' will: ``Basic Instinct,'' ``Sliver,'' ``Showgirls.'' Yeccch.

Simply put, Joe E. must be stopped. Since that's beyond our reach, we've made him one of the Hall's inaugural inductees. Notice we said ``one of,'' because we want you to come up with two others.

Here's how. Call Infoline at 640-5555, category 2827, and nominate a movie, director, writer or star. Tell us why your nominee qualifies. The explanation better be good, too, because that's what our judges will go by. You've got until 5 p.m. Monday.

We'll make the formal inductions Feb. 6.

As for ``Jade,'' it recycles the Eszterhas formula. Surprised?

The murder of a wealthy conservative (the opening shots showing photos of him with every GOP president since Nixon is a low blow) leads to shocking news: The guy was into kinky sex and blackmail. Red herrings point everywhere, but mostly to the ex-gal of the assistant D.A. investigating the case. She's now married to his best friend, a well-heeled lawyer. She also has a dark secret.

Don't look for plot development or character motivation. They aren't Eszterhas' first options when T&A will do. Criswell could predict the ending.

``Jade'' is doubly irksome because it wastes a decent cast - David Caruso, Linda Fiorentino and Chazz Palminteri - and one of our favorite directors, William Friedkin. No one here expected ``The French Connection'' or ``The Exorcist,'' but if Hurricane Billy can't make chicken salad out of this, no one can. Videomatic says: F

(RATED: R for language, violence, nudity; 94 mins.)