THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Saturday, January 27, 1996 TAG: 9601260087
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 76 lines
I CAN TELL Bill Bennett, the former secretary of the Department of Education, doesn't watch much football.
Michael Irvin of the Dallas Cowboys and Greg Lloyd of the Pittsburgh Steelers used expletive-deleted language in discussing tomorrow's Super Bowl and within minutes Bill Bennett was clucking about the decline of civilization represented by their foul language.
Mind you, I agree with Bennett. It's simply that any occasional watcher of professional football knows that coaches and players use the F-word (favored by the helmeted, shoulder-padded millionaires by a ratio of 2-1 over the ever-popular S-word.)
If he really watched pro football, Bill would have been shocked decades ago. Everyone knows what the players are saying by the zoom camera shots of their faces. Sometimes a team that is really good at cussing wins the game. But more often than not, the four-letter words champion is the one on the losing end.
Often a losing player will slam his helmet to the field in a grand gesture and rip off a nice bracket of profanity that would turn the grass brown if he wasn't playing on Astroturf.
Frustration is a big part of being a pro football player. Stick a mike under one's nose and he will give you a curse word faster than than Bennett can say ``family values.''
You know why the football players are so frustrated? It's because cursing is what they do best, but no one knows who the champion is.
That's why we need a Cussing Super Bowl.
This is the way it would work: Do the regular NFL season and the nearly always boring Super Bowl, but follow it with the Cussing Super Bowl next day. The XXXX Bowl.
It would go something like this:
Announcer: Welcome to the Poulan Chain Saw Let 'Er Rip Super Bowl. Kickoff is about to begin, but first, to Jim Sweezer in the Cowboys' locker room.
Sweezer: Thanks Bill, the team physician has just issued a statement saying Bulldog Smith, the right tackle for the Cowboys has broken his jaw in practice. It's been wired up, but he may not start today. That'll have a huge impact.
Bulldog is standing beside me. ``Are you going to start Bulldog?''
Bulldog: ``I dunno. I can't sah shwooh''
Sweezer: Sorry?
Bulldog: I-can't-sah-SWOOH!''
Sweezer: You can't say S..t?''
Bulldog: Right.
Announcer: Well this is a terrible blow to the Cowboys. And to Cowboy fans. As you probably know, he's a three-time all-pro cussing tackle. I don't think anyone will forget the game-winning blue streak he uttered to help win the game last year in the closing minute.
Color Man: Yep, he cut down two linemen with a withering pair of modifiers to the F-word. It was beautiful to watch.
Announcer: It's an overcast day here in Phoenix. But not to worry; the players will be turning the air blue once they get on the field.
And here they come now, going through their light obscenities while doing warm-ups. And now back to Tim Sweezer on the field.
Sweezer: An interesting light obscenity during the warm-ups from the Pittsburgh quarterback. Actually quoted Chaucer. And he told me they may run an option play where he can run downfield himself uttering profanity from Philip Roth or pass off an expletive deleted from Norman Mailer. They have a very heady game plan here.
I'm standing here with Bulldog Smith again. Bulldog how does the game look to you so far?
Bulldog: We'll shwamp the swoof out of 'em.
Sweezer: Well that's the word from down here, Bill. ILLUSTRATION: Color illustration by Janet Shaughnessy
by CNB