THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, January 28, 1996 TAG: 9601280134
SECTION: LOCAL PAGE: B1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: ELIZABETH SIMPSON
LENGTH: Medium: 64 lines
Warning: Don't slam your spouse's head against the wall.
OK, OK, so maybe those aren't the exact words our lawmakers have in mind, but that's the general idea.
A bill before the General Assembly this session is proposing a warning label on marriage license applications:
``The laws of the Commonwealth affirm your right to enter into this marriage as an equal partner and at the same time live within your marriage free from violence and abuse. Neither of you is the property of the other.''
I can just see some hapless husband-to-be standing with pen in hand at the courthouse. ``Hey, this says I can't kick you around like furniture after all. To heck with this, I'm not signing anything.''
What is it with warning labels these days? They're on everything. Some are relevant, but often ignored: Don't drink alcohol while you're pregnant. Don't smoke unless you want to die young. Don't get behind the wheel unless you're sober.
Others are so ridiculous they go without saying. Like the warnings on moisture-absorbent packets in aspirin bottles that say: ``Don't eat this.'' Hey, you don't have to ask me twice. Or the advice on boxes of diet candy bars: ``Remember the reason you bought these low-calorie bars and refrain from overeating.'' Gee, if I hadn't eaten the box after I ate the candy bars, I might have heeded that warning.
A label on a wedding license is getting a little carried away, but as long as we're issuing warnings, why stop at violence?
How about some other matrimonial advice:
Warning: Don't discuss budgetary shortfalls within 24 hours of shoe-shopping trips. Your spouse's comment that he or she is hot/cold/hungry/thirsty is not simply an observation but a request for you to change things so he or she is no longer hot/cold/hungry/thirsty. Don't squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube unless you enjoy bathroom wars.
Birth certificates could use a proviso as well, an even longer one.
Warning: Child may deplete all savings within three months of birth. Child may prohibit you from going to the movies for the first 10 years of his/her life. Child may expect money in exchange for mowing lawn. Child may one day remind you of yourself. Within 14 years, child may come to believe you are as dumb as dirt.
Prospective marriage partners are bound to buy a house one day, so we might as well throw in a few fine-print caveats on real estate contracts:
Warning: Everything and anything in this house is guaranteed to break, with the most costly repair occurring approximately two weeks after you move in. Any new infusion of money into your budget will be followed by a breakdown that will either equal or surmount said amount. Gutters do not clean themselves.
I don't mean to trivialize spousal abuse by all this, only to point out that warnings like the one being considered by the General Assembly serve little purpose. The more warnings that get thrown at us, the less impact they have, the more likely we are to ignore them.
We don't need more warnings, we need better sense. We don't need more signs, we need more morals. We don't need more laws, we need more people who have a sense of right and wrong.
I know. How about a warning on the General Assembly door? Warning: Anyone who tries to legislate common sense will fail. by CNB