THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, February 4, 1996 TAG: 9601310034
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: HE SAID, SHE SAID
SOURCE: KERRY DOUGHERTY & DAVE ADDIS
LENGTH: Medium: 77 lines
DAVE SAYS:
Well, Kerry, for just a minute last week things were looking good for the home team.
The laboratory wizards at Procter & Gamble - maybe we shouldn't call them wizards after all that fuss about their cryptic trademark - well, anyway, they announced that their test-tube fat substitute had earned a big OK from the government.
Mankind, at last, has solved the puzzle of how to make a potato chip with zero fat and no more calories than a turnip.
Think of it, Kerry. For middle-agers like you and me, no more nibbling on carrot sticks at midnight when we're really dying to dig both hands clear to the bottom of a big, greasy bag of Wavy Lays.
Hundreds of foods could benefit from a fat substitute that doesn't leave them tasting like squirrel food. Women, according to a lot of studies, would vote for fat-free Godiva chocolates. For men, though, nothing is more mystical than the potato chip.
It's been months since I've had the pleasure of washing down a bag of Snyder's Bar-B-Q with a cold beer. Ever since the day I stepped on a scale and thought it was reading back my ZIP code instead of my weight. The guy at the 7-Eleven looks at me funny now when I wander up to the counter with a half-gallon of skim milk instead of sackfuls of the finest greasy salt-slivers that Grandma Utz can offer.
There's a TV commercial playing right now that comes embarrassingly close to capturing how guys relate to snacks. It shows three gorgeous women, mimicking men, cramming chips into their mouths by the fistful and tipping the bag skyward to let the last crumbs cascade into their mouths. It can get worse: A guy I grew up with used to turn the bag inside-out and lick the salt and crumbs from it. I think he's on Wall Street now.
Anyway, I was fantasizing about rejoining the chip parade when I got to the part of the fake-fat story that described the side effects. To put it politely, many people will be unable to eat this stuff if they're planning to be more than 50 feet from a comfort station for the next few hours.
I'm sticking with cereal and skim milk, Kerry. I think the chips will lose their luster if you're forced to wash them down with a tall, frosty mug of Pepto Bismol.
KERRY SAYS:
Sorry to start off here with a cliche, Dave, but my mother always said, ``If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.''
I know what my mama would say about fat-free potato chips.
She'd boldly predict that everyone who eats them will be lining up for chemotherapy in about 20 years. Forget the fact that they'll spend the intervening two decades in the bathroom.
I'm surprised a smart guy like you was sucked in even for a moment with the vision of these sin-free chips.
I cast a cynical eye on these new products. I won't buy these chips for the same reason I don't buy skin creams guaranteed to make wrinkles disappear.
There's a yin and yang to all this, Dave. Smooth the wrinkles away on your face and they just migrate to another part of your body. Trust me on this.
Diet foods and low-fat stuff are big business. Have been ever since a middle-ager like me was a child. You slap a fat-free label on your typewriter, Dave, and you're guaranteed to make a tidy profit.
Remember when we were kids and all the pudgy adults were eating and drinking something called Metracal? Then there were diets like the one that got Herman Tarnower shot. Then came Slim Fast. And don't forget that nifty little fudge appetite suppressant called: Ayds. Boy, there was a product no one wanted to buy after about 1985.
Every few years some multinational company comes up with an explosive new product that is going to blow all the fat off our hips and thighs. Remember the hoopla surrounding aspartame?
Considering all that, Dave, I have one question for you.
How come there have been more revolutions in the diet world than the Third World - and yet America is still brimming with fatties? by CNB