THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, February 12, 1996 TAG: 9602120147
SECTION: SPORTS PAGE: C1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Bob Molinaro
LENGTH: Medium: 66 lines
It should surprise no one to learn that all the good team names have been used up.
Most historians of America's Great Team Name Depression agree that the nickname equivalent of Black Friday arrived the moment we were introduced to the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Meanwhile, some insist that the downward spiral began when teams were named after weather patterns.
Good nicknames are at such a premium that Art Modell has had to leave ``Browns'' in Cleveland even while he tries to retrieve the old Colts handle from Indianapolis.
Modell wouldn't feel quite the same need to corral the Colts for Baltimore if there were any other decent names out there from which to choose.
There aren't any good nicknames to be had, however. And if there were, the people in charge of nickname acquisition wouldn't recognize them.
We know this is so because of the contest the Washington Bullets are running to find a more politically correct moniker.
The other day, the Bullets management released the five finalists: Wizards, Sea Dogs, Dragons, Express and Stallions.
What we've got here is the first half of a David Letterman Top 10 List of Worst New Names. Sea Dogs!? Have mercy.
Perhaps only a fogy notices that none of the suggested names has a natural tie-in with the area in which the team plays.
Apparently, Washington Monuments is too traditional for today's post-modern nickname climate. Ditto Lobbyists and Washington Insiders.
Considering the driving habits of motorists on the Capital Beltway, it's a wonder more consideration isn't given to Cutters.
Better still, has anyone thought of naming the basketball team after the Supreme Court? The Washington Supremes has a ring to it.
But if Bullets owner Abe Pollin is determined to give the team a less threatening nom-de-hoop, then why not go all the way and ordain it the Washington Peacemakers? They could be called Peace, for short.
Go ahead and laugh. Probably a lot of people laughed when the Cleveland Browns were named after their owner and first coach, Paul Brown.
(And football fans think Jerry Jones' ego is on steroids.)
The message in the Browns' history is that people grow accustomed to anything.
Is there a less traditional name for a basketball team that plays in Utah's Mormon country than Jazz?
The Lakers took their nickname West when they moved from Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 Lakes, to Los Angeles, the Land of 20,000 freeway cloverleafs. But today, nobody quibbles over the geographical inaccuracy.
If Colts owner Robert Irsay were munificent, he would give back the Colts name to Baltimore and call his team the Indianapolis Moving Vans. Talk about appropriate.
But while Modell leafs through suggested new names - Ravens, Rhinos, Mustangs, Bays - his best move may be to take a page from Cleveland's playbook.
Could Modell possibly be any more reviled by football fans if he named the team after himself? The Baltimore Modells - Mos is what they would soon be called (``Go Mos!'') - might sound ridiculous now, but in no time the name would be rolling off tongues. Trust me on this.
In any case, it can't be any worse than Mighty Ducks. by CNB