THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, February 26, 1996 TAG: 9602240062
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E3 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 76 lines
INCREDIBLE isn't it? Our Amazing Hampton Roads Houseplant Contest is only a few days old and the entries are already hitting my mailbox.
I want to get to the amazing entries in a heartbeat but, first, several rules of caution:
Do not send leaves from your plant to show how attractive and/or interesting your plant is. And do not enclose dirt samples from plants that are shedding leaves or are blighted in some way, accompanied by letters seeking advice on caring for them. Can't you people get anything right???!
Our contest has nothing to do with plant attractiveness or illness or - God forbid! - soil nutrients, acidity, or anything remotely like that.
While this may seem a minor matter to some of you - who do not read the contest instructions! - it is of the utmost importance. Some legitimate entries have been ruined because my mailbox has become a compost pit from leaking soil and wet leaves.
Please enclose a photograph which clearly shows your amazing houseplant. Several women have enclosed photographs of their husbands seated in easy chairs or sofas with the plant not shown. Others have omitted the photo.
And several contestants have shown the entire family standing in front of the Christmas tree. (Christmas trees are ineligible for the contest unless they are inside the house at least 10 months of the year. They also must be less than 3 feet tall since the winning plant will lead the Downtown Doo Dah Parade while in the lap of parade grand marshal Dr. Duane Harding.)
Now for some of the entries:
Mrs. Colin Spratley of Chesapeake has nominated her weeping fig named Ophelia as Hampton Roads' most amazing houseplant. She writes:
``While weeping figs are rather common houseplants Ophelia is not. She is very depressed most of the time but has gotten worse since Pat Buchanan won the New Hampshire Republican Primary. She's a Republican like we are.
``We try to cheer her up by letting her watch old reruns of `Saturday Night Live' and the `David Letterman Show.' But it hasn't helped. She refuses to take her plant nutrients and weeps more than usual. A psychiatrist who is treating Ophelia for acute depression recommended that we secretly enter her in your contest. He thought winning might cheer her up. If she doesn't win, please try to say something nice about her. She's so sensitive.''
Holly Cruiser of Virginia Beach has nominated her fig tree named Benjamina which she claims is a plant that refuses to die. She says the pot-bound plant is an orphan which was left in their driveway and was subjected to dripping tar attacks from their roof until rescued.
``Benjamina remains selfless, suffering quietly, dropping leaves left and right, but not dying. Her acts of love are legend. . . enduring annual rituals to bring her family joy. This year at Christmas she dressed in drag as a pear tree complete with fruit and partridge and angels dangling from her limbs.''
Holly notes that Benjamina is now in the bag and encloses an evidentiary photo. ``It's a giant dry cleaning bag which regulates her breathing and humidifies her pores.''
Holly says Benjamina dreams of leading the Doo Dah Parade while on Dr. Duane's lap ``as he whispers sweet nothings only his tomatoes hear.''
Ever hear of a houseplant that waters itself? R.N. Givens of Suffolk says his potted kudzu plant is so fast-growing that several of its shoots have outrun a Ford Bronco. ``It can also take out the garbage and water itself by wrapping one of its shoots around the faucet handle,'' he swears.
Yes, you can bring your houseplant out of the shadow of obscurity and make it a star! Simply enter the Amazing Hampton Roads Houseplant Contest and win valuable prizes and the pleasure of seeing your prized vegetation leading the Downtown Doo Dah Parade while seated on the lap of Dr. Duane. Yes, your plant can wear a costume. No X-rated photos, please.
Deadline for receipt of entries is March 8.
Simply state why your houseplant is amazing in 100 words or less and mail a photo of it to Amazing Hampton Roads Houseplant Contest, c/o Larry Maddry, The Virginian-Pilot, 150 W. Brambleton Ave., Norfolk, Va. 23510. by CNB