THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, March 20, 1996 TAG: 9603200030
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: Medium: 92 lines
Political Bonding. A friend in North Carolina claims there are three new government bonds on the market.
The Gingrich Bond . . . never matures.
The Dole Bond . . . no interest.
The Clinton Bond . . . no principle.
Missing Person. Her name was Charlotte Sitzler, a woman in her 60s who sat patiently in a chair outside the newsroom until I could see her.
She was a middle-aged woman from Kill Devil Hills, N.C., her face etched with anguish and her eyes filled with tears.
She had come to ask for help locating her missing son. The son's name is James Sitzler, 33.
He was last seen and heard from Jan. 3 after his release from a psychiatric center in Norfolk.
``He phoned me and said he was OK,'' she said. ``He was last living on Spotswood Avenue in Ghent.'' But he left that residence in December with no forwarding address.
She said she doesn't want to interfere in her son's life. ``It's just that I want to know if he's OK. I'm afraid something has happened to him.''
Charlotte Sitzler said she had reported her son's disappearance to the police, the Social Security Administration and Norfolk Psychiatric Hospital.
``The most he had ever been out of touch with some member of the family is about two weeks,'' she said. ``I'm sick with worry.''
Since talking with the mother, I have also heard from Susan Sitzler, James' sister, a social worker living in Arizona. She writes that her brother's mental illness is paranoid schizophrenia.
``Paranoid schizophrenics are unpredictable in regards to their suicidal and homicidal tendencies,'' she stated.
She added that the family believes that if her brother can be found, injury to himself or others can be avoided.
If you have seen Jim Sitzler or know his whereabouts, please phone Charlotte Sitzler - collect - at (919) 441-2825.
You Might Be. A recent column about Jeff Foxworthy's new book ``Redneck Classic'' has drawn mail and faxes from readers who were asked to send in a few you-might-be-a-redneck ifs. Bless 'em all.
Good ole Jeff, incidentally, will bring hisself to Hampton Coliseum on April 13 for an 8 p.m. concert. Tickets can be purchased at Ticketmaster locations.
Glen Ardis of Peachtree Avenue in Virginia Beach mailed a list of suggestions he made up. Here are a couple I enjoyed.
If your family's above-ground swimming pool is closed by the EPA because of the oil slick.
You laugh at people who pay for the holes in the knees of their dungarees.
Bland Pruitt of Churchill Drive in Portsmouth offers:
If you know when the city has cut your water off because your wife lets the dog lick the dishes clean.
When you request a window seat on your airplane flight so you can spit out the window.
Kenner Hawkins of Commodore Drive, Norfolk, offers:
If your baby carriage has a gun rack attached to it. (He enclosed a cartoon illustration.)
If your favorite diner lists ``Roadkill of the Day.''
Richard Overton of Shamrock Avenue in Virginia Beach sent a list from an even longer one containing many unprintables, he said.
Your junior-senior prom had a day care.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have the Yosemite Sam mud flaps. (That's a good un.)
Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas Card.
Tommy Deary of Floyd T. Deary Co. in Virginia Beach says:
``If your Christmas tree ornaments are Slim Jim and Redman pouches held on with fish hooks.''
Edward Hotchkiss of Franklin has faxed a winner.
``If your dog box cost more than your living room furniture.''
Carol Garrow of Chesapeake says rednecks are not necessarily Southern, claiming there are quite a few in upstate New York, particularly in the Adirondacks, where she was raised.
She encloses a long list, including:
You think Spam on a Saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
Your nearest neighborhood business establishment is a sand and gravel company.
Your family tree does not fork.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
Every letter and fax made me happier than a hog in a ditch. Thanks y'all. ILLUSTRATION: James Sitzler was last heard from Jan. 3.
by CNB