THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, March 22, 1996 TAG: 9603220065
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E9 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Vorando Mack and Karen Baranski
LENGTH: Medium: 70 lines
Dear Karen and Vorando:
I'm a senior at a Norfolk high school and recently had sex with a freshman at my school. It wasn't planned, it just happened and took both of us by surprise. We were simply seeing each other; she knows that I'm seeing other people. But through her actions and her words, she insists that we are a couple, although we are not.
``Casual'' sex is a serious subject that I think I am prepared to handle, and I know the risks and dangers of it. However, casual sex doesn't secure a relationship either. How can I let her know that I don't want to be in a relationship right now? Some have said that I'm ``cheapening'' myself or degrading others, yet I don't agree. I'm basically doing what I want to do. - Honest but Promiscuous
Dear Honest but Promiscuous:
You raise two good points in your letter: that sex is a serious subject and that it doesn't secure a relationship. But we believe there is no such thing as ``casual sex,'' because the effects of sex are in no sense ``casual.'' The moment you two initiated the act, it was no longer a ``surprise.'' You both knew exactly what you were doing.
However, it seems that you and the freshman were both misled by each other. For the girl, it was obviously an emotional experience. To you, it seems that physical pleasure was the focus. The two of you should have talked about it before you became intimate.
``They should have had a discussion with a clear understanding of the outcome prior to committing the act,'' says Vicki Speece, a student assistance counselor with the Norfolk Community Services Board who is assigned to Norview High.
Let her know how you feel and why you don't want to be in a relationship. Don't avoid the problem, because you two got yourselves into it. You must live up to your mistakes. An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
Your actions, such as ignoring her, may help you get your point across, but in the wrong way. It may make you look like you don't care about anything at all. Don't expect her to not be shocked by this outcome just because you are seeing other people.
You say that you think you are prepared to handle the risks and dangers of sex. You may be prepared, but what about that one time when the condom breaks and you are having sex with an HIV-positive female? If you have sex with multiple partners, how can you be so sure that your partners are completely safe from sexually transmitted diseases or anything else? Do you plan to screen them to be sure? The answer is, you really can't. So why put yourself in unnecessary danger? Do you value your life more than sexual satisfaction? Hopefully the answer is ``yes.''
People value sex with different standards. Obviously, you and this girl had very different standards. According to Speece, moral values and such standards are set initially by the family, then as people become older, they are influenced by their friends, entertainment media and other outside sources. You must decide what is better for you: your sexual satisfaction or your life and the health of your partners. MEMO: Vorando Mack is a senior at Norview High School and Karen Baranski is a
senior at Green Run High School. Their column appears biweekly in
Teenology. You can ask questions by calling INFOLINE at 640-5555 and
entering category 8335, or write to them at Listen Up!, 4565 Virginia
Beach Blvd., Virginia Beach, Va. 23462.
by CNB