THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, April 5, 1996 TAG: 9604050035
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY SAREIT HESS, HIGH SCHOOL CORRESPONDENT
LENGTH: Long : 103 lines
MICHAEL SAKS spends every Sunday at his grandparents' house. While other teens might dread listening to the talk of the good old days, Saks loves it.
``I love being with my grandparents because they know so much,'' said Saks, a 17-year-old senior at Norfolk Academy.
``They tell me stories of when they were younger, and it is amazing to find out how different the lifestyles were then. . . . I know that if I didn't get to see them often I would feel as if a part of me were missing.''
Many teens - and some researchers - agree that the relationship shared between grandparents and grandchildren can be special and should be nurtured. Some teens take their grandparents for granted, viewing them as the folks who send money for birthdays and Christmas, but many teens have good relationships with their grandmas and grandpas.
In a Gallup Poll survey, 68 percent of 508 teen-agers questioned said they had a very happy relationship with their grandparents. An additional 23 percent reported getting along reasonably well with them.
Laura Neff, a sophomore at Lake Taylor High School in Norfolk, finds that it's sometimes easier to talk to her grandparents than to her parents.
``I think grandparents are special because you can talk to them without the feeling of the authority of a parent,'' Laura said. ``Grandparents sympathize and understand you better, and they can't put you on restriction. Sometimes my grandparents will talk to my parents for me if I can't approach them.''
But there are several factors that determine the type of relationship between teen-agers and grandparents. One is how often the students get to talk and spend time with their relatives.
``My maternal grandparents live four or five hours away,'' said David Alluisi, 17, a senior at Princess Anne High School.
``I never really got to know them because of the distance between us. I am closer to my paternal grandmother, whom I see a bit more often, but she lives in Washington, D.C., so I don't even get to see her all that often.
``I think kids today need their grandparents, because so many kids have parents that are divorced. Grandparents are like the base to their life; without them they will crumble.''
Many students have busy schedules that keep them from spending time with their grandparents. During the school year, teens have homework, sports and extracurricular activities. In the summer, many kids spend their days in camp, and older kids prefer to work or spend time with friends.
Grandma and grandpa can't compete.
However, Thomas J. Socha, an assistant professor at Old Dominion University and author of ``Parents, Children and Communication: Frontiers of Theory and Research,'' suggests that teen-agers should encourage communication.
``Grandparents can leave money. That's nice. But more importantly, they're leaving their word,'' Socha said. ``You can learn a lot from a conversation, their fears, their experiences. . . . They can talk about many of the same things. Say you want to talk about dating, grandparents do have relationships with people of the opposite sex,'' Socha said with a laugh. ``It becomes a part of the teen-ager's oral history, an oral inheritance of what's passed along.''
Sonya Islam of Portsmouth misses the long talks she used to have with her grandfather.
``I get to see my grandfather once every your or two, because he lives in Bangladesh,'' said Sonya, 15, a sophomore at Churchland.
``When I was younger, I used to bring him in to show-and-tell, and he would tell my class about his home. I used to take walks with him and we talked a lot, but now we don't. . . . I volunteer a lot at a nursing home, so it is a small way of making up the time with him.''
The relationship between a teen-ager and grandparent can also be shaped by their cultural influences. The traditions of many ethnic groups, such as those of Asian, Hispanic and African-American families, stress close interaction with grandparents.
``When I enter my house, I have to be blessed by my grandmother by taking her hand and putting it to my forehead. That is just the way the custom is,'' said Abigale Laxa, a 17-year-old senior at Bayside High School. ``You will never see a Filipino talk back to an elder either. It is just not done.''
Socha agrees that ethnic heritage plays a big role in the relationship.
``The African-American family, in particular, is very good about taking care of its own,'' he said. ``It goes to the cultural conception of themselves. African-Americans tend to think of the extended family, whoever is connected to the family is the family - aunts, uncles, grandparents.
``European Americans tend to think of family in terms of the nuclear family - mom, dad, kids.''
Sara Baisey, 17, of Virginia Beach said she just wishes she had had the chance to form some relationship with her grandparents before they died.
``I never got to know my grandparents at all. All of them had died by the time I was 10,'' Baisey said. ``When I hear kids at school complaining about how awful their [grandparents are or complaining because they are coming for a visit, I just want to turn to them and tell them how lucky they are.''] ILLUSTRATION: Color photos by Steve Earley\The Virginian-Pilot
Abigaille Laxa touches her grandmother's hand to her forehead as a
blessing.It is traditional Filipino form of greeting.
...Abigaille Laxa, chatting with her grandmother Maria Laxa, above.
Color photo
Sareit Hess is a Junior at Bayside High
by CNB