THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Saturday, April 13, 1996 TAG: 9604130002
SECTION: FRONT PAGE: A13 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Editorial
SOURCE: Patrick Lackey
LENGTH: Medium: 66 lines
Here's a game to play at work or home or anywhere. It's called ``The Bob Dole Game,'' and it has only one rule. Instead of saying ``I'' or ``me,'' you use your full name, as though you were someone else talking about you.
Say your name is Perry Prefountaine. You might remark to a co-worker, ``Perry Prefountaine slept like a baby last night. In fact, Perry Prefountaine is rested and ready to do some terrific work. Perry Prefountaine is glad to be alive.''
The co-worker, Sandra Sands, might reply, ``Sandra Sands is delighted to hear that. Sandra Sands wishes everyone had slept so soundly.''
``Perry Prefountaine wishes the same.''
``Sandra Sands wonders if you use a special pillow.''
``No. In fact, when Perry Prefountaine is tired, Perry Prefountaine could sleep on a bed of nails. Sleeping is what Perry Prefountaine does best.''
Playing ``The Bob Dole Game'' magically transforms the most ordinary conversation into something fresh and weird. The game twists minds into strange and wondrous shapes.
Athletes were the first people Patrick Lackey ever heard refer to themselves by their own names. ``Barry Bonds had a good day at the plate,'' Barry Bonds said. Hearing that, Patrick Lackey wondered who Barry Bonds thought was talking about Barry Bonds.
Maybe Patrick Lackey missed something, but Patrick Lackey does not recall Bob Dole referring to himself as Bob Dole in previous elections.
By doing so this year, Bob Dole is annoying many people.
Florence King, the Virginia author known as the Mouth of the South, complained, ``He sounds as if he really doesn't want to be president; he just wants Bob Dole to be president.''
Recently, talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh made hilarious fun of Bob Dole's calling himself Bob Dole. People can be so mean.
Patrick Lackey, a minor journalist, has a dream in which Patrick Lackey and Bob Dole become close friends. Bob Dole and Patrick Lackey go fishing together and tip a couple of 2 percent milks together and generally feel warm and close. One day Patrick Lackey says to Bob Dole, ``Patrick Lackey likes you a lot and thinks you like Patrick Lackey, too. When you're with Patrick Lackey, would you mind just calling yourself Bob? And would you mind if Patrick Lackey, while with you, just called himself Pat?''
Then Patrick Lackey might tell Bob Dole, ``Pat thinks you're looking swell today, Bob.'' Bob Dole might respond, ``Bob thanks you, Pat.''
Bob Dole sometimes uses both ``I'' and ``Bob Dole'' in the same sentence, to the confusion of everyone. Bob Dole said, for example, ``I don't think people think Bob Dole is that bad.'' At the beginning of the sentence he is inside his body; he is ``I.'' But where is he when he speaks of Bob Dole? It could be he doesn't need a mirror to comb his hair or shave.
Bob Dole sometimes talks about being a new Bob Dole. Once Bob Dole said he would be Ronald Reagan, if that was what people wanted. In that case, Bob Dole might have said, ``Ronald Reagan will win this election,'' meaning Bob Dole would triumph.
Like Bob Dole, Patrick Lackey is a native Kansan. Patrick Lackey wishes Bob Dole would stop referring to himself as Bob Dole. It seems both immodest and bizarre. It is not the Kansas way.
But ``The Bob Dole Game'' is fun. MEMO: Mr. Lackey is an editorial writer for The Virginian-Pilot. by CNB