THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, May 12, 1996 TAG: 9605090529
SECTION: COMMENTARY PAGE: J1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Community conversation
SOURCE: BY JANET KINOSIAN, SPECIAL TO THE LOS ANGELES TIMES
LENGTH: Medium: 94 lines
It has been 25 years since Vivian Harold, 35, found the tiny daily love notes her father packed in her lunch box. But the memory still moves her.
``I don't know how he did it,'' says Harold, who had four siblings and a mother who was mentally ill. ``What with all the chaos of our general lives, it took everything to just keep going. But he somehow found the time and energy, and all of us remember this ritual with deep, deep gratitude. Somehow the ritual of those little notes actually made us feel connected, like a family.''
Harold says she has kept most of the notes and still pulls them out to read when her spirits sag. ``If he only knew then what they mean now,'' she says.
Ask your kids when they're young what little rituals and traditions you foster in your family circle, and chances are they'll look at you with blank faces. But ask them at 25 or 26 and they'll likely rattle off dozens, some you'll remember and others that will cause you to look at them with blank faces. We did that?
That's because family rituals and all the little, warm, intimate behaviors that bind families together grow more important with time. Include some small, consistent rituals and traditions in your home, and you'll reap the benefits for decades. These don't have to be a major undertaking. The simpler, the sweeter, the better.
David and Sally Craymer of Chesapeake sit down every night with Stafford, 8, Rebecca, 7, and Eliza, 4, to talk about their day, read a book, say a prayer, and sometimes talk about the next day.
``It's a closure to the day for us,'' Sally Craymer said. ``We've done it so long, I'm not sure they'd be able to go to bed without it.
``What's interesting is that the things they share about their day are not always the things I'd expect them to share.''
They occasionally run into difficulties these days because the children like different kinds of books. If David or Sally start to read a book mature enough that it has chapters in it, Eliza puts her hands over her ears and says, ``Oh no, not a chapter book!''
``All children have a huge yearning for family. And there's nothing better than ritual and tradition to help satisfy that need,'' says Rabbi Arnold Rachlis of University Synagogue in Los Angeles. He has two sons, Adam, 12, and Michael, 8, and a household that gravitates around Jewish family traditions.
Children crave security and as life in '90s families is often scattered, small rituals can bring a sense of continuity and calm.
``I always believe in investing in memories,'' says Dave Dillman, a marriage, family and child counselor. ``But I also advise that the smaller gestures have a better chance of embedding positive memories. The grand gestures tend to blow up in your face. And then all the kids remember is the pain, trauma, hurt, yelling and screaming.''
For example, he notes the traditional two-week family vacation is not necessarily idyllic, ``simply because '90s families tend to spend little time together and then they're forced to all of a sudden be together,'' with stress, expense and work piling up on the home front.
``It's better to take one or two weekends a year,'' he says, and cater to the children. One weekend, go camping. Another, to the opera. ``If you make the traditions and rituals smaller and easier and simpler, the chances for their success are much, much greater.''
Dillman also suggests tucking your kids in at night, no matter their age. ``Parents ask me all the time at what age they should stop this routine, but I think even older kids love being tucked into bed at night. They may go, `Ahh, gross,' and pull away, but something inside kids really loves and craves that ritual. It's sort of like putting out Christmas stockings for older kids. When should you stop doing that? The answer is probably never.''
In Franklin, a dozen or more of Dorothy Panissidi's family gather once a month at someone's house, frequently hers or her parents', for Sunday dinner.
``It seems like we've done that since forever,'' said Panissidi, a social worker. ``We like to get together, especially since everyone is grown up and working. Even though this is a small town, we don't see each other real often. It gives us a chance to see how we're all doing.''
Panissidi also likes that her young daughters know their grandparents and other relatives well.
``It's something a little unusual you don't see as much of these days,'' she said. ``Families are more scattered about.''
Parents need to be sincere about the rituals they establish. Kids are experts at detecting poses parents try to pass off as family togetherness. The overriding message is: It doesn't have to be big, but it has to be real.
``The Jewish view of family life is to water your garden,'' says Rachlis. ``We believe a religion without rituals is really just a philosophy and family life without rituals, large and small, can be just as dry. Rituals and traditions bring breath, song, action, play, drama, imagination, spirituality to life, and kids learn to love and anticipate the rituals. Think of it in the same way inside your own family home.''
KEYWORDS: COMMUNITY CONVERSATION FAMILIES by CNB