THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, May 12, 1996 TAG: 9605100076
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E3 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY STEPHEN HARRIMAN TRAVEL EDITOR
LENGTH: Medium: 84 lines
THIS IS the dirty story I promised - about The Mud Show at the Virginia Renaissance Faire. It's downright filthy. Do not try to eat while you are reading this.
In telling this tale, I will have to give away the whole plot as well as the ending, and if you don't like that, well, then cut off my head.
The scene: A tree-shaded, open-air arena with hay bales for seating in a semicircle.
The performers, the Sturdy Beggars, are called Spiny Nodules, Figgy Pudding and Billy Billy von Billy (stupid, nonsensical names for performing groups go way back), although knowing which is which is not really important. One is the ``judge'' and the other two divide the audience in half and proceed to engage in a sort of three-part contest.
The object of the contest, to be judged on audience response, is to see who eats mud. That would be the loser. The winner gets to NOT eat mud.
One side of the audience is designated Sparta. Its ``beggar'' teaches this cheer:
``Sparta, Sparta! We make the earth quake. Wooo!''
The ``Wooo!'' part of the cheer is accompanied by a backward flip of the right hand over the head. If you can't envision that, maybe you'd just better go and see for yourself.
The other side is designated Troy. Its ``beggar'' teaches this cheer:
``Trojans, Trojans! We will never break. Uugh!''
There is no particular body action to accompany this, although some in the audience shift uneasily.
On with the show.
Round 1: The partially clothed Spartan beggar jumps into the thigh-deep mud pit, stuffs hands and arms deep into the brown goo, and then, with a big grin, sticks his fingers up his nose. UP HIS NOSE! The Spartans cheer loudly. The less partially clothed Trojan beggar rebuts by running and diving into the mud, face first. The Trojans cheer, but not as well. Round 1 to Sparta.
Round 2: The Spartan beggar pledges that he will crawl face-first across the mud pit, then pick a Trojan woman and ``kiss her on the lips because that's the kind of guy I am.'' Which he does. The woman is understandably reluctant, to which the beggar says, ``Come on, madam, there's no time for foreplay.'' The Troy Boy responds by announcing that he will do the same thing, except he will find a Spartan man and kiss him. Which he does. Round 2 to Troy.
Round 3, the rubber match. The audience will decide this by putting its money where its mouth is. Each beggar tries to see how many $1 bills he can collect from his side by passing the hat. One says, ``Remember, I don't have to be doing this. I could be robbing your homes.''
Dollar bills are waving everywhere. People are shouting, ``Here's my money.'' They are is really into this. You'd think it was a public execution or something. Obviously these people have more dollars than sense.
And would you believe this? When all the money has been collected, the judge declares it's a TIE.
A hue and cry, led by the two beggars, erupts from both sides: ``The judge eats mud! The judge eats mud! Three, two, one, EAT IT!''
And with that, the judge obligingly picks up a grapefruit-size ball of mud and . . . EATS IT. He tosses not one, not two, but THREE big chucks of mud into the air and catches them in his mouth.
This must be a trick. He didn't really do that, did he? Maybe, somehow, it was really chocolate chip cookie dough.
``You know what's even more disgusting?'' the judge asks the crowd. ``You people gave money to see this.''
The crowd files out, apparently not feeling the least bit taken.
``Thank you for coming,'' says one beggar. ``Thank you even more for leaving.''
``If you feel robbed or cheated in any way,'' says the other, ``then we've done our job.''
Says the judge to a little boy: ``I hope you've learned something.''
What?
``Don't eat mud . . . until you've passed the hat.''
That's good, dirty fun, Renaissance style. And a learning experience, too. ILLUSTRATION: Photo
STEPHEN HARRIMAN
After leading a cheer (``Trojans, Trojans! We will never break.
Uugh!''), the Trojan beggar plants a filthy kiss on the lips of a
spectator at the Renaissance Faire's Mud Show.
by CNB