THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, May 17, 1996 TAG: 9605150136
SECTION: PORTSMOUTH CURRENTS PAGE: 08 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY REBECCA A. MYERS, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: Long : 184 lines
SHE KEEPS THE bracelet in a drawer by her mother's bed.
``The moment that we know that she is going, we'll slip it on her,'' Betty Lou Cummings explains.
The plastic band is similar to those worn by patients in a hospital, yet different in one respect:
It's a signal to rescue workers that no artificial means should be used to keep Betty Lou's mother, 91-year-old Mary Johns Lewis, alive.
``Every day, I see a difference in her, and I know that she is gradually dying,'' says Cummings, 58, a former elementary school teacher.
On a recent Wednesday night, Cummings shares her concerns with others who attend a monthly support group for adult caregivers at Maryview Medical Center - a group she helped found five years ago.
She tells the members that keeping her mother comfortable is her top priority these days. She does that with the help of her husband, Bob, and a live-in companion.
The three also care for Bob's 82-year-old mother, Hilda Cummings, who suffers from Parkinson's disease with dementia. The elder Cummings came to live with the couple in their Waterview home last July.
``When Bob and I were married, we talked about this,'' says Cummings, who, like her husband of 32 years, is an only child.
``We both knew that we had the sole responsibility of our parents, so it didn't come as a surprise to either one of us.''
The couple also cared for Betty Lou's father, Martin Luther Lewis, in their home for 15 months before his death in 1988 at the age of 90.
``When I walked away from the cemetery the day we buried Dad, it was the best feeling because I knew that we had given him excellent care,'' she says.
``There's nothing quite like it because you realize you've kept him clean, you have fed him his favorite foods, you've given him his medicine like it should be given.
``It's just great peace and satisfaction.''
But, Cummings warns, not everyone is cut out for the grueling demands caregiving can place on an individual.
``It's not something that I'd tell anybody who's a softie to tackle.
``You've got to be tough as nails. You really do.''
No one knows that better than Keath Roberts.
For three years, the retired postal mechanic has been looking after his 80-year-old mother, Arlo Pickett, who lost part of her ability to speak after a recent, mild stroke. Mother and son live within six blocks of each other in Hodges Manor.
``There was a time when I was doing this all by myself,'' says Roberts, who has three brothers, all of whom live outside the city.
``And I was going flat nuts. It was really making a nervous wreck out of me because I was getting up early in the morning, taking care of things at my house, then going over there and taking care of her.''
Roberts, 58, now receives help from a live-in companion, hired to stay with his mother, and from a brother who lives in Bowers Hill.
It is the companion's job to make sure Pickett takes her medication, eats well and bathes regularly.
Roberts, meanwhile, keeps track of his mother's finances, acts as her chauffeur and does all the landscaping and home repairs.
The brother in Bowers Hill, a year older than Roberts, stays with his mother on the nights the companion is off.
But the biggest stress buster, Roberts says, has been the support he receives monthly at Maryview's adult caregivers meetings.
``It's helped to let me know that I'm not the only one. That's the biggest part of it.''
Roberts learned about the support group through a friend of his girlfriend's. All three have been attending meetings regularly for about 18 months.
``I don't have any qualms about going there at all,'' Roberts says. ``It's one of my highlights during the month.''
Through group members and professionals who are asked to speak periodically, Roberts has learned things about his mother he probably never would have known otherwise, he says.
``When you get older, you lose taste buds and your tastes aren't the same. And the biggest problem I've had with her is trying to get her something to eat that she likes.''
Roberts also has learned the importance of taking time out for himself. Though recent speakers have discussed topics like massage therapy and holistic healing, Roberts practices his own brand of self-help.
``I like to shoot pool. I do that every day, just about.''
The father of three adult children, Roberts says he hasn't given much thought to who might be caring for him in his later years.
``If I get in that situation, it will probably be one of my children.
``You think about it, but then you say, `I hope I never get to that stage.' ''
Led by Sister Grace Malonzo, the Adult Caregivers Education and Support Group meets at 7 p.m. on the first Wednesday of each month in the second-floor conference room at Maryview Medical Center.
``I cared for my own father,'' says Malonzo, whose father died in 1992 at 94. ``I think it was a privilege to be able to stay with him.''
About 15 members attend the support group regularly. In the five years since the group was founded, Betty Lou Cummings, the Waterview resident, probably hasn't missed half a dozen sessions. She and Rose Sarka, the Cummings' live-in help, attend the meetings while Bob Cummings stays home to care for the two mothers.
``The reason it's lasted so long is because it's so informative,'' Betty Lou says. ``We've had such educational speakers that we learned something every time we came.''
Louis Keczan, 61, continues to attend meetings even though both parents are now deceased and a neighbor for whom he had been caring died recently.
``There's always a need,'' he says. ``Right now it's not there, but tomorrow I might find somebody that I want to care for, and I want to be prepared.''
The group also serves as an outlet for the conflicting emotions that plague caregivers.
``You have lots of resentment and lots of guilt,'' Betty Lou acknowledges, ``especially when they're combative and they don't know that you're doing these things because you love them.''
According to a study by the American Association of Retired Persons, about 75 percent of all caregivers are women. Most are baby boomers who are married and also raising children. Two years is the average length of time spent on caregiving.
If that's the case, Bob and Betty Lou Cummings are exceptions.
They share equally in the responsibilities of caregiving, have no children of their own and are entering their 10th consecutive year of providing care to an aging parent.
Betty Lou recalls vividly the day in May 1987 when she drove to Lunenburg County to move her parents to Portsmouth. What she remembers most is a relative telling her that she should expect at least 10 years of caregiving between her two parents.
``We were out picking blackberries, and there was a big pond right by the blackberries,'' says Betty Lou, smiling at the memory.
``And I wanted to push her in that pond when she said that!''
Nonetheless, the length of time really doesn't matter, according to Bob Cummings, ``because it's highly concentrated work.''
Betty Lou says her husband has been a lifesaver in the years that they cared for her father and now her mother and mother-in-law.
``I never thought that he would turn into the caring and tender person that he is now,'' she says. ``He can get mother to do things that I can't. He knows how to stroke her back just like she likes it.''
Bob Cummings, 57, retired two years ago from Norfolk Redevelopment and Housing Authority.
``And when she was very combative, he could get her to sit and get her quiet enough to drop off to sleep on the living room sofa,'' says Betty Lou.
For younger adults who have not yet taken on the role of caregiver for an elderly parent or relative, Betty Lou has some advice:
``You have to be absolutely determined. You can't think, `Maybe I'll try it.' You've got to know that you're going to make it work.''
So how does the caregiver manage to do this without letting other aspects of his or her life suffer?
``They do suffer!'' Betty Lou concedes. ``We don't even keep house anymore!
``But it has to become the one thing that you want - the thing that matters the most in your life.'' ILLUSTRATION: Photo
ON THE COVER Betty Lou Cummings helps her bedridden mother, Mary J.
Lewis, sip a nutritional supplement in the photo on the cover, taken
by staff photographer Mark Mitchell. Cummings and her husband also
take care of his elderly mother.
Staff photos by MARK MITCHELL
Keath Roberts escorts his mother, Arlo Pickett, 80, to an
appointment. He has looked after her since she had a mild stroke
three years ago and has hired a live-in companion for her.
AT LEFT: Barbara Houck is the live-in companion for Arlo Pickett,
far left. She makes sure Pickett takes her medication, eats well and
bathes regularly.
AT RIGHT: Live-in companion Rose Sarka, far right, assists Hilda
Cummings, 82, who lives with her son, Bob Cummings, left, and his
wife, Betty Lou. Sarka also helps with Betty Lou's mother, Mary
Johns Lewis, 91.
AT LEFT: Betty Lou Cummings keeps vigil at the bedside of her
91-year-old mother, Mary Johns Lewis. She finds comfort in the
support group she helped found for caregivers. But she warns others
that caregiving isn't for everyone. ``You've got to be tough as
nails. You really do,'' she says.
Hilda Cummings is groomed for the day by her live-in companion, Rose
Sarka.
Staff photo by RICHARD L. DUNSTON
Sister Grace Malonzo, left, of the Daughters of Wisdom, talks with
Betty Lou Cummings on the fifth anniversary of the Adult Caregivers
Education Support Group. Malonzo leads the group, which meets at
Maryview Medical Center.
by CNB