THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT 
              Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.

DATE: Friday, May 17, 1996                   TAG: 9605160156
SECTION: DAILY BREAK              PAGE: E1   EDITION: FINAL 
TYPE: TEENOLOGY 
SOURCE: Jennifer Dziura
                                             LENGTH: Medium:   53 lines

CULTURE ON THE MOVE WILL DRIVE ON THROUGH

WHEN THE very first car owners drove the very first cars, the only drive-throughs were gas stations. Since then, Americans have collectively decided that, intrepid as we are, we want to pump our own gas but that everything else should be drive-through.

Thus, we have Brew Thru, a drive-through convenience store that will open Monday on the Virginia Beach Oceanfront, largely in response to our desire to be constantly seated.

Brew Thru looks sort of like a spiffy garage. The idea is that you drive your car into a central hall and proceed to languish on your posterior while employees fetch food, drinks, tobacco, et cetera. Maybe, in a special instance of irony, you could even get them to bring you a workout video or a diet shake.

My point is that the proliferation of drive-throughs in America is yet another indication of our mad desire to burn fewer calories.

We first accomplished this with drive-through fast-food emporiums and car washes. Then came drive-through banks and pharmacies.

Now, in Las Vegas, an eager couple can get a drive-through marriage. Soon, perhaps, an equally eager couple will be able to get a drive-through divorce, after which they can fight over who gets the car.

Such inventiveness leads me to conclude that were we so inclined, we could drivethruize all of America.

Take, for example, vaccinations. You could just pull up to a nurse's station, get disinfected and injected, and drive away satisfied that you've attending to your health.

And how about those greeting-card machines? You know, the ones in Hallmark Shops that produce custom-made cards after you press a few buttons and type appropriate sentiments.

Some enterprising Hallmark store owner could stick one outside his shop, right next to a stamp machine and a mailbox. Then the idle could show their friends and family how much they care with only a simple touch to the button that opens their automatic windows.

For the politically inclined who wish to remain reclined, we could implement drive-through voting. Millions of motorists could decide the fate of our country from the comfort of their silly sheep's wool seat covers.

My conclusion is that, unfortunately, drive-throughs aren't going anywhere. Despite a longstanding American tradition of pioneering independence, our ignoble desire to nestle into our auto upholstery like sloths appears to be deep-seated. by CNB