THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, May 17, 1996 TAG: 9605160194
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 07 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Over Easy
SOURCE: Jo-Ann Clegg
LENGTH: Medium: 82 lines
I don't know about you, but I'm getting tired of these conflicting studies on nutrition. As a matter of fact, I'm getting tired of these studies on a whole lot of health issues.
You know the kind of study I mean, the ones headlined ``STUDY LINKS FEMALE DEATHS FROM HYPOTHERMIA to SMOKED FISH DIET,'' followed by ``Entire Population of Fish Eating Women Found Dead in Siberian Village.''
It's enough to make you wonder why the Food Police aren't out there closing every smoked fish processor in the country.
Enough, that is, until you read farther and learn that:
The study was done by a scientist who investigated the deaths of six sisters in a small cabin in a remote village in northern Siberia;
The women, who ranged in age from 83 to 102, were the only female inhabitants of the hamlet;
The mainstay of their diet, like that of everyone else in the village, was smoked fish;
The scientist was a charter member of the Save the Fish Federation;
His mother was a big fan of the ``Today Show'';
He had a burning desire to visit Singapore.
What you probably won't find in the story at all is that the women froze to death after one of them took a big swig of 100 proof vodka, tripped over their cat and knocked the space heater askew. It, being of the scientifically correct modern variety, turned itself off. The outside temperature was minus 52, the inside temperature was minus 51. End of story.
Until the scientist got hold of it. Linking their deaths to an overturned space heater is one big bore. Designing a proper research study that links their demise to fish-eating habits is quite another.
Deaths caused by food get noticed. Deaths caused by tipsy space heaters and vodka swigging seniors don't.
If he goes with the smoked fish theory, his story - and the resulting panic among fish smokers worldwide - will be picked up by every newspaper in the country.
He will show up in the prized 7:20 a.m. spot on the ``Today Show,'' much to the delight of his mother and the other blue-hairs in her condo complex in Fort Lauderdale.
His research paper will be accepted for presentation at a scientific meeting in Singapore. A well-heeled group of fish huggers, together with a major corporation involved in broccoli raising, will pay his first-class fare. Any out-of-pocket expenses he incurs will make nice tax writeoffs against the advance he's getting from a publisher for rights to his ``Smoked-Fish Free Forever'' diet and cookbook.
He will have his fame and his travel.
For about three weeks.
Which is when another scientist, working for another foundation, will publish his own study.
One which proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that a diet consisting mainly of smoked fish will add at least 25 years to your life span.
It is based on a study he conducted into the lifestyles of the entire male population of a fishing village in the Bering Straits. According to Scientist No. 2, their average age at death is 92 years, 8 months. The most common cause of death is exertion from sexual activity. They, too, are siblings. Five of them, to be exact.
Deli owners and fish smokers everywhere rejoice. The sales of nova and lox rise by 176 percent. Jay Leno invites the new hero (along with two of the surviving brothers) to make an appearance on the ``Tonight Show,'' following which the second scientist hops a plane to present a paper at an international conference in Tahiti.
His expenses are paid for by his foundation and the Fish Smokers of America.
His ``Smoked Fish for Life'' diet and cookbook will knock ``Smoked-Fish Free Forever'' off the shelves and the best-seller list.
That, however, is not the end of the story.
In three months, the hard-cover version will be sharing space on the $1.99 bargain book table with its cohort, ``Smoked-Fish Free Forever.''
The scientists will be back to buying super-saver air fares out of their own pockets. Katie and Jay will have moved on to greener pastures as sugar snaps become the focus food of the season and we're all left wondering what we're supposed to - and not supposed to - eat. by CNB