THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, June 16, 1996 TAG: 9606120022
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY CHARLISE LYLES, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: 123 lines
WHEN THE CUSTODY dust settled, Luke Kirby had won rights to visit his bright-eyed, energized-like-an-Ever-Ready daughter, Elan, every weekend.
That's when the real work began. Like hair care.
Elan howled in pain when Kirby parted her locks. He had pressed too hard on tender scalp. Another time, after washing her hair, Kirby allowed the thick, bushy crop to dry out before combing. More screaming.
He 911ed his mother and sisters for help.
Now, braiding takes him half an hour, instead of an hour and a half. He's a virtual pro. He knows because Elan tells him so: ``Dad, you're getting good now.''
Kirby wants to share baby hair-care tips and lots of other pointers on being a divorced dad.
Lawmakers and sociologists have declared outlaw fathers the scourge of the land. And millions of men are racing away from daddy duties. But Kirby is racing to rescue fathers from deadbeatdom.
He's forming DID, ``Daddy Is Dad,'' a group out to aid divorced and single fathers in fighting custody battles, massaging relationships with ex-spouses, caring for baby, budgeting to meet monthly child-support payments and just having fun with the kids.
All so that fathers can develop a long, loving relationship with their children.
A year ago when Kirby, a heating and air-conditioning technician, moved to Virginia Beach from Philadelphia for a new job, he moved DID with him. But recruitment has been slow, just as it was back home.
``Men tend to talk a bunch of junk, not about real problems,'' says Kirby, so they're reluctant to join a help group.
But Kirby is smooth and steady in recruitment efforts. He casually pops the question, said Terrence Alston, who works at Portsmouth Naval Hospital with Kirby.
``Hey man, you got any kids?'' Kirby will ask at the water cooler.
Alston, a drug and alcohol counselor and father to Terrence Jr., 5, is not divorced. But Kirby has convinced him to join DID as a daddy mentor. So he's also on the lookout for recruits.
Or Kirby will inquire at the gym, ``Say, brother, how many kids did you say you had?''
Then he probes a bit further.
``When's the last time you've seen them?''
Right away, Kirby can tell from the body language - hand rubbing the head, hestitation - ``Well, you know . . . ''
He listens, nodding.
``Well, you know. I just don't want to get into it with his mother, so I keep my distance.''
Or ``I've got a daughter, but I don't really know how to take care of a girl.''
Kirby keeps nodding.
As a father who has fought the hard fight with himself, an ex-wife and a judge in order to be a part of his daughter's life, Kirby knows that those excuses are the very stuff that can make a dad a deadbeat.
Kenneth Blizzard, a security guard and the divorced father of a 7-year-old daughter, says Kirby stood nodding and listening until Blizzard was convinced that the group could do him good.
``I have a pretty nice relationship with my daughter, but I'd like to help some other brothers,'' Blizzard said.
You can be deadbeat by default or your own fault, says Kirby, 35. But the result is the same, a fatherless child.
``Too many times guys say, `Well, I'll wait till she's older.' You need to be in your child's life today and don't let anyone stop you,'' says Kirby, speaking with boxing-coach gusto and a bright, Nipsey Russell grin.
In 1990, Kirby's marriage of three years soured.
During custody and child-support battles, a judge dismissed him as a deadbeat before he could present his case, Kirby says.
``A judge said to me as far as he was concerned, `Mr. Kirby, you never did anything for this child.' ''
Tears welled in Kirby's eyes. ``I felt really humiliated and depressed.''
He had been there for Elan's birth, changed her diapers, fed her, lived with her for the first three years of her life. Now, a judge who didn't even know him was overruling that love.
In situations like this, divorcing fathers need someone to help keep emotions in check. A cool head can limit those nasty exchanges that slow the custody process to a crawl.
If nothing else, Kirby's group can offer empathy to men who may feel frustrated and overwhelmed by the entire divorce process.
At first, courts allowed Kirby to see Elan once a month, and to telephone on Mondays and Thurdays at 7 p.m. - when the toddler was tired and ready for bed. ``That threw me for a loop. I missed her a lot.''
Though upset with his former spouse, Kirby tried his best to chill and stay focused on what was best for Elan.
``The main thing is to uplift the silent voice of the child,'' says Kirby. ``A lot of times in court, they listen to the foolish parents. What the child really needs is equal access to both parents.''
Kirby's group would offer advice on fair child-support agreements, and coping with monthly payments.
Kirby shuns men who shun financial responsibility for their offspring. ``I don't want to deal with any guy that's not giving child support or something toward the welfare of the child.''
But paying child support is the easy part.
There are two types of deadbeat dads, says Kirby: one who doesn't pay child support, and one who pays, but makes no effort to bond emotionally with the child.
The group would have plain old fun, movies, concerts in the park, the zoo, swimming, pizza. . DID can also prepare divorced fathers to deal with quirky behavior of kids who've come through a divorce.
When Kirby arrived for those first visits, he noticed immediately that Elan didn't run to embrace him or appear excited. But once outside and around the corner and away from her mother, the child reached up to hug him.
At first he was hurt, then he realized: ``She didn't want to hurt her mother.'' Since moving to Virginia Beach, Kirby now drives to Philadelphia every other week to visit his daughter, he says.
The group would also hold relationship rap sessions, always full of those feelings that have yet to die.
And fathers can learn how to gently help children understand the mean reality of divorce.
``Once my daughter said, `Dad, did you break with mommy?' I said, `Yes, but I'll never break with you.' '' ILLUSTRATION: B\W photo
Although Luke Kirby is limited to visiting his daughter, Elan, every
other weekend, he has continued to develop a loving relationship
with her. He also is starting a group to aid divorced and single
fathers.
[Side Bar]
To Join:
For more information on Daddy is Dad, call Luke Kirby at 474-2703.
KEYWORDS: DAD IS DADDY DID SINGLE FATHERS DIVORCED FATHERS by CNB