THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, July 5, 1996 TAG: 9607040186
SECTION: VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON PAGE: 07 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: Over Easy
SOURCE: Jo-Ann Clegg
LENGTH: 85 lines
My four old friends - Alspeth, Boops, Clementine and Dodo - were sitting around a bridge table a couple of weeks ago, discussing the plight of mothers who work outside the home, especially during the summer.
``I wouldn't want to go through that again for anything,'' said Dodo, who admits to being the oldest of the four grandmothers. ``The worst day I ever put in at work was July 20, 1962. That was the Friday afternoon that my four kids called the office 73 times in a three-hour period.''
``I think that must be an all-time record - was there a calamity at home?'' asked Clementine.
``Not until I got there,'' said Dodo. ``Fortunately my husband arrived just as I had them all lined up and was ready to attack with grandfather's buggy whip.''
``That wouldn't have been a very good idea,'' Boops offered.
``Especially since I worked for a child welfare agency,'' Dodo agreed.
``My worst day was when my 12-year-old son and my 14-year-old daughter got into a big fight and called me to settle it,'' Alspeth said. ``He was on the kitchen phone and she was on the bedroom extension, both talking at the same time.''
``Did you ever get the stories straight?'' Clementine asked.
``I got one side of it when my son put down the phone and let his sister talk,'' Alspeth said.
``Well, at least you got half the story,'' Boops offered.
``Not really,'' Alspeth said with a sigh. ``She got part way through it when he showed up in her bedroom and dumped a tray of ice cubes down her back. She let out a scream that about punctured my eardrum. Then she dropped the phone without hanging up and took off after him. That left the connection open and I could hear them running through the house screaming.''
``How long did it take for the screaming to stop?'' Dodo asked.
``It didn't stop until I got in the car, went home, hung up the phone, and threatened to sell them to a laboratory that did nuclear testing with live subjects,'' Alspeth responded.
``Is there any such place?'' Boops asked.
``I don't think so, but they didn't know that,'' Alspeth explained. ``Oh, I forgot one of the worst parts. Between the time he dumped the ice cubes down her back and I got home, my daughter had grabbed a Boston cream pie and shoved it into his face.''
Boops thought for a moment before launching into her story. ``My worst experience was the day my kids decided to clean out the garage while I was at work,'' she said. ``There was only one problem. Their dad was at sea and his car was in the way.''
``Let me guess,'' Clementine said, ``they moved it.''
``You better believe they did,'' Boops answered. ``The 14-year-old backed it out right into the path of an animal control officer.''
``How bad was the crash?'' Dodo asked.
``Well, no one was hurt but the long term results were pretty bad,'' Boops said. ``The police gave me a call and by the time I got there the kids had bonded with this mangy looking mutt that was in the truck. One thing led to another and before I knew it, we'd adopted the darned thing from the pound.
``I could understand why he was never claimed. We couldn't housebreak him and he had a skin condition that required weekly trips to the vet for the rest of his life.''
``Which, I assume, was not too long,'' Clementine commented.
``On the contrary,'' Boops explained. ``We had him for 14 years at seven duty stations including Hawaii where we had to pay to keep him in quarantine for six months. He really did have a very sweet disposition.''
``I guess today's moms have it just as bad,'' Clementine mused. ``I know my doctor does,'' she added.
``I was in her office the other morning and her receptionist was fielding the seventh call from the doc's two kids. She told me that so far the 11-year-old daughter had called asking how much oil you had to put into a pan to make good french fries and the 14-year-old son had called in a panic because he needed his baseball uniform and it was dirty,'' Clementine said.
``And,'' she added, ``the doctor was in surgery.''
``How did the receptionist handle it?'' Boops asked.
``Pretty well, I thought,'' Clementine responded. ``She told the daughter that making french fries at home is illegal, immoral and fattening. Then she talked the son, step by step, through the process of washing and drying a load of laundry.''
``That sounds pretty good to me,'' Alspeth said.
``Well, it would have been, except I heard later that he used liquid bleach instead of liquid detergent, his name and number faded from his shirt, his coach wouldn't let him play that day and he hasn't come out of his room since.''
The women were quiet for a few moments, then Alspeth spoke.``Thank goodness we're all beyond that stage,'' she said. by CNB