THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, July 10, 1996 TAG: 9607090027
SECTION: FLAVOR PAGE: F1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY MARY FLACHSENHAAR, SPECIAL TO FLAVOR
LENGTH: 165 lines
I, A JUNK-FOOD addict, take you, a whole-foods person, to be my lawful wedded spouse . . . to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, to honor and to comfort . . . until mealtimes do us part.''
After all, when a carnivore falls for a vegetarian, or a chronic dieter marries a hollow leg, or one member of a couple needs three squares daily while the other prefers to graze, the recipe for a happy meal together may seem elusive. If she recoils at the sight of his fast-food burger and he can't stifle a wisecrack about her tofu, is the only solution separate tables, so to speak?
Not at all, say couples caught in culinary conflicts and the nutrition professionals who come up with melting-pot solutions.
``You might have to look hard for a compromise, but it's always out there,'' said Kathy Hill of Norfolk, who is proud of her healthful eating habits. She is also proud of her four-year marriage to Joe Braun, whose definition of a decent meal is one that includes chips-and-dips and three meats.
``People don't marry their spouses to get dietary advice,'' said Kristine Rand, a dietitian in private practice in Norfolk. ``Each partner comes to the table with 20 or 30 years of eating habits, and it just doesn't work when one dispenses advice to the other. Both need to compromise.''
Perhaps then, a kinder, gentler vow would be more appropriate when Junk Food and Whole Foods stand side by side at the altar: ``I promise to be tolerant as you eat the textured vegetable protein I would never have nor hold if you will let me eat in peace the french fries you neither love nor cherish.''
Although their contradictory eating habits weren't mentioned in the wedding vows they took just one year ago, Kristina and Ron Bailey of Virginia Beach have successfully merged their styles.
``I don't give any thought at all to converting him,'' said Kristina, a vegetarian who favors animal rights. ``He would never be happy eating the way I eat.''
``No, I'd be miserable,'' said Ron, self-described as a ``plain-and-simple guy who likes plain-and-simple white bread.'' Kristina, on the other hand, prefers the zucchini and honey-oat bread she makes in the bread machine.
Ron grew up one of four children on a farm in Mississippi, where mom served meat daily and cooked vegetables with salt, sugar and fatback.
``When I'm ready for steak and pie, I'm ready,'' he said. When he's ready to snack, he reaches for corn chips, butter cookies, salted mixed nuts.
Kristina's daily routine includes three meals rich in grains, fruits and vegetables, with eggs, cheese and beans as her main protein sources. When they go to one of Ron's favorite steakhouses for dinner, she is content with a salad and baked potato.
``Maybe at first my feelings were hurt because I wanted Ron to enjoy my food,'' said Kristina. ``But in the big scheme of things, this is trivial. If he were just like me, I'd miss his differences and life would be boring.''
Said Ron: ``I wouldn't want Kristina to change, because I respect her beliefs.''
Respect is the key ingredient, according to Colleen Pierre, a dietitian who helps families blend diverse eating styles in her private practice in Baltimore.
``This won't turn into a serious problem as long as you don't think of one way as the right way, the other way as wrong,'' said Pierre, who is a spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. ``One of our biggest societal losses is not sitting down to meals together. It is much more important that we be together at the table than that we eat alike.''
Bettina Newman, a dietitian with a private practice in Chesapeake, agrees.
``There is a lot of emotion attached to breaking bread together,'' said Newman. ``So do it, even if you have to use two separate loaves, like we do at my house.'' Because she is allergic to wheat, Newman eats only bread made from alternative grains like millet and quinoa.
Betty Villers of Virginia Beach found a way that she and her husband, Jim, can sit down together and eat from the same pot, too: She frequently makes a stir-fry that includes ``his'' and ``hers'' ingredients.
``I'll eat the mushrooms, green peppers, broccoli, carrots and snowpeas,'' said Betty. ``Jim may snag one vegetable but he'll cover his rice with meat and teriyaki sauce.''
But there is no common ground at breakfast. She eats a bowl of shredded wheat and sliced bananas. Every day, on his way to work, he has the egg-sausage-biscuit-hash-brown meal at McDonald's.
``He's just a meat-and-starch kind of guy,'' she said, glad he'll at least eat a plain lettuce salad and french-style green beans.
That's more green than Jeff Tarrant of Virginia Beach puts on his plate. Corn is the only vegetable he'll eat. At 6 feet, 150 pounds, he subsists on fast food, ice cream, snack cakes, chips and pop tarts, much to the dismay of his health-conscious wife, Denice. She eats yogurt, chicken without the skin and lots of salad.
``We've talked a lot about his bad habits but I don't nag,'' said Denice, ``although I often end up preparing two different meals for dinner.''
This is difficult to do on a regular basis, warn dietitians.
Colleen Pierre, a Baltimore dietitian, recommends that the home cook develop what she calls ``basic modular meals,'' where just one ingredient changes to suit individual tastes or needs. One example is a main-course salad with a topping of red kidney beans for the vegetarian, steamed shrimp or chicken slices for the meat eater.
When a couple's eating habits diverge, planning is essential, advises Linda Barnes, president of the Tidewater Dietetic Association and one-half of such a couple. (He eats meat, she doesn't.)
``There's no way you can be as flexible and spontaneous as a couple with similar tastes,'' said Barnes, who also has a private practice in Virginia Beach. One day a week she cooks large quantities of rice, beans and other staples in her vegetarian diet, to see her through the week.
``When health issues are the reason that two people eat differently, you always have one partner who defers to the overpowering needs of the other,'' said Barnes.
That situation has worked positively for Susan and Malvin Goodger of Virginia Beach. Recently Susan was diagnosed with an infection of the digestive tract, curable if she maintains a rigorous diet for the next six months to a year. She can't tolerate sugar, dairy products, most grains and certain vegetables, and she follows a strict rotation diet prepared by a dietitian. She makes breads and crackers from scratch and sends away for specialty foods.
The Goodgers have worked hard to prepare dinners that they can enjoy together. Roast pork with stir-fried leeks and asparagus, with a baked potato for Malvin, is a favorite menu.
``Although it's been a struggle, we find we're actually eating better now,'' said Susan. ``My husband does a lot of the dinner-time cooking, taking care to use the right type of flour to make the gravy, the right spice, the right vegetable.''
Their culinary challenge has provided an opportunity for a new type of sharing and support. MEMO: AT THE NEGOTIATING TABLE
More advice for couples who are on opposite sides of the kitchen:
Seek common ground instead of settling for separate meals. ``We're
always experimenting until we find things we both like,'' said
vegetable-lover Kathy Hill, who's married to meat-lover Joe Braun. They
both love seafood, and a favorite dinner is scallops, basmati rice and a
big salad.
Be prepared. Freeze single-portion meals that are a favorite of one
partner. The other meal can be made from scratch while the frozen dinner
is cooking.
Think modular. In addition to the salad with different toppings for
different tastes suggested by Baltimore dietitian Colleen Pierre, there
are other dishes where ingredients can be added at the last minute to
one portion - pasta, stir-fry dishes, homemade pizza, baked potatoes
with toppings.
Cook as simply and naturally as possible. ``You can't really modify
ingredients in a processed food,'' said Chesapeake dietitian Bettina
Newman. ``But if you start from scratch, you can add as you go.''
Shop for groceries together. ``That way one partner won't feel
slighted,'' advises Virginia Beach dietitian Linda Barnes.
Use the barbecue grill. At a recent cookout Barnes grilled a
vegetable patty for herself, steaks and hamburgers for the rest of the
family.
Do your own thing at lunchtime. When one likes ethnic cuisine and one
doesn't, lunchtime might be the best time to visit a favorite restaurant
with friends.
Use single-serving carryout items to satisfy the partner who feels
cheated. The non-dieter could bring in a slice of bakery cheesecake,
suggests Norfolk dietitian Kristine Rand. But bringing home a whole cake
would be unfair to the dieter.
Do other things together. Rand recommends that couples ``exercise
together, walk and talk, use local parks. Don't make mealtime your only
time together.''
Don't get angry at your mate over eating habits. ``If you have
respect and love for each other, food shouldn't be a problem,'' said
Barnes. ``But if there are problems already, having to put up with
someone's weird eating habits can turn into a problem, too.''
- Mary Flachsenhaar ILLUSTRATION: Color drawing by JANET SHAUGHNESSY, The
Virginian-Pilot
FILE
Couples who have differing tastes can compromise by fixing food that
includes ``his'' and ``hers'' ingredients. by CNB