THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Tuesday, July 16, 1996 TAG: 9607160037
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
SOURCE: BY SHIRLEY BRINKLEY, STAFF WRITER
LENGTH: 153 lines
FOR KIM DeJIACOMO, sitting for hours at a sewing machine to create the perfect christening frock, then decorating and baking two cakes for her child's party is a dream come true.
For years, DeJiacomo, 42, never thought she'd have the opportunity to enjoy the routine tasks of motherhood. She and her husband, Michael, 48, had tried desperately to have a child.
Finally, through an open adoption and with the help of a support group, Families Through Adoption, the DeJiacomos have two children - Kristen, 3, and Sean, who will turn 2 years old in September.
``I had always dreamed of sewing my daughter's dresses,'' Kim said. ``I'm looking forward to baking cupcakes for school parties. It's a fun tradition to do things like that.''
At one point in her life, Kim said, she was inconsolable when faced with the realization that she would never bear a child. Diagnosed with endometriosis, she endured medical tests, surgery and unsuccessful artificial insemination for 13 months.
Endometriosis is a condition in which tissue resembling the uterine mucous membrane occurs in various locations in the pelvic cavity, often causing physical pain and sterility. Anxious to end both her emotional and physical pain, Kim sought counseling and had a hysterectomy.
Then the DeJiacomos decided to look into adoption. The couple contacted an agency and applied for a required home study.
Through the Shore Adoption Agency in Virginia Beach, Kim learned of Families Through Adoption, which helped her cope with her emotions while she waited for a child.
Acting on the advice of her sister, who had successfully adopted a child, Kim contacted Catholic Services in her home state of Montana. It was there that she learned of Andrea Senrud, a birth mother with a year-old daughter, who planned to give up her second baby for adoption shortly after delivery.
Involved in a divorce and suffering from depression, 23-year-old Andrea felt she was unable to care for the baby.
In September 1994, Andrea handed her newborn son, Sean, to Kim in a hospital delivery room in eastern Montana.
After 16 years of infertility and countless disappointments, Kim finally cradled her child in her arms.
Eight months later, Andrea contacted the DeJiacomos. Arbitrarily, Andrea had stopped taking her medication and was hospitalized. She asked the DeJiacomos to adopt her daughter, 23-month-old Kristen, as well.
At the time of Sean's adoption, the DeJiacomos never dreamed his older sister would join their family. After learning of Andrea's intentions, however, Kim made a return trip to Montana, where she spent a few days visiting with Kristen, taking her shopping and to the park.
The bond was instantaneous. On May 9, 1995, adoption papers were signed and Kristen joined her brother at their new home in Windsor.
Today, Kim is president of Families Through Adoption, a support group directed by parents that meets at 7:30 p.m. on the first Thursday of every month at Good Samaritan Episcopal Church in Virginia Beach.
Since the DeJiacomos' adoption story was published in The Virginian-Pilot last December, 16 new couples have joined the group.
``We have so many new members from Newport News, Yorktown, Smithfield and Southside,'' Kim said. ``I would like to see another group form, since there are so many from both sides of the water.''
Those who attend the meetings have already adopted children or are considering it, Kim said. The group offers a speaker during the meetings. For example, a child psychologist and adult adoptees have spoken at recent meetings. A ``buddy'' program also has been initiated to pair up new members with other members who have adopted.
Counseling and education in crisis situations also are available, not only for couples seeking to adopt a child but also for birth families.
One crisis might be that a birth mother needs housing until her baby is born. Several families have offered to open their homes in such an emergency situation, Kim said.
``I took a card to my gynecologist's office yesterday and had a call recently from a couple who wants to adopt,'' Kim said. ``I talk to everybody that I meet about adoption. The Jones Institute in Norfolk, one of the leading infertility hospitals in the country, is referring couples to us now who are at `the end of their rope' of infertility. We also are hoping to hear from birth mothers unable to care for their child.''
Before becoming eligible to adopt, prospective parents must agree to a home study, which is good for one year, Kim said. There are also post-placement visits to make certain the child is adjusting well to new surroundings.
``A home study can take as little as eight to 10 weeks,'' she said, ``and costs for adoption can be approximately $900 to as much as $3,000. You have to write an auto-biography, and nothing is left uncovered.''
Success stories include a Virginia Beach couple, Lynne and Scott Livingston, who adopted two infants. They still attend the support group even though their son and daughter are now 6 and 7 years old, respectively.
Ron and Donna Raahauge of Chesapeake, both in their mid-40s, are hoping to adopt an infant. Eight years ago, Donna, as a single mother, adopted her daughter, Tanya, who was 11 at the time.
Sometimes miracles happen. A 53-year-old man and his wife adopted an infant only to find that his wife was pregnant two months later.
``He told the group, `I'm here to tell you older fathers that it's all right,' '' Kim said.
Michael DeJiacomo, also an older father, agrees with him. Since his career is established, he has more patience and more time to spend with the children, Kim said.
However, the past year has had its peaks and valleys.
In May, Kim spent four hours gathering and sewing a ruffle on her daughter's christening dress - a size 3 white frock that required 5 1/2 yards of batiste fabric.
Kristen's third birthday was the day before her christening, and to prepare for the combined family celebration, Kim enrolled in a cake-decorating class.
After mastering the techniques, Kim baked two cakes - a vanilla-flavored confection decorated with flowers, and another topped with swirls of chocolate frosting and a yellow cross.
``The kids are growing so fast,'' Kim said. ``It's incredible that I've had them as long as I have. Michael takes them for a Happy Meal on Saturdays, and we go to ball games he plays at church. He's going to build a sandbox for Kristen, which she wants. And what she wants, she gets.''
The DeJiacomos have hired a nanny who comes to the house to take care of the children from 8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. while Kim manages a full-time business at home.
``It's hard to begin work when I'm playing with the kids,'' Kim said, ``but I have the best of both worlds.''
Much to her dismay, however, Kim began to get depressed several months ago. At that time, both she and Michael decided to seek the help of a counselor.
``I had been to see a counselor before I had the hysterectomy,'' she said, ``but after we adopted the children, I began to feel sad and angry, and I didn't know why. I have never felt that my children were a burden or that I was tied down. The counselor thought that I had never grieved that Michael and I could never have a baby.
``I've always had a hard time sharing my grief, so the counselor wants me to write a `Dear Birth Child' letter. But I guess my feelings will always be there a little bit. The best thing is that I can relay my feelings to other people in the group. I look back and I'm so sad that I could have been so terribly sad at that time of my life.
``If I sit down and think about it, I'll still cry . . . not that I'm not a happy, healthy parent. I would not give up my children to have 10 natural-born children. Now that I have my babies, I would go through it all again.''
Kim has remained in touch with Andrea and the children's maternal grandparents in Montana, although Andrea calls to talk to Kim more often than to the children.
``I didn't know until after I got Kristen that she had been left alone at night for six or seven hours at a time,'' Kim said. ``We have a ritual at night, and Kristen asks if I'm going to come and check on her. I tell her I always check on her. I sing, say prayers, read stories, rock Sean, and we talk about the day.''
Today, Kim is no longer in counseling. Life is running smoothly and she remains a firm advocate of open adoption, although people often question her about it.
``People say, `Aren't you afraid?' '' Kim said. ``But you don't have to be afraid if you have good social workers, good attorneys and make it a truly legal adoption. No matter what the circumstances . . . in an open adoption, there is never a mystery. That is so important. It's important for medical reasons, and for the birth parents to know where their children are and that they're OK.'' ILLUSTRATION: Color photo
JOHN H. SHEALLY II/The Virginian-Pilot
Kim and Michael DeJiacomo of Windsor with adopted daughter Kristen,
3, and son Sean, 1.
KEYWORDS: OPEN ADOPTIONS by CNB