THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, August 2, 1996 TAG: 9608020046
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E13 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: BY JENNIFER DZIURA, TEENOLOGY COLUMNIST
LENGTH: 64 lines
ALTHOUGH THE British might appear to be snooty, tea-drinking, crumpet-eating royalists, they do occasionally get something right.
There was the defeat of the Spanish Armada, for example. And the rise of parliamentary democracy. Plus, there was Winston Churchill. And don't forget the Beatles.
But we should also acknowledge that a leg on the Round Table of Britishness has long been the granting of titles, a practice which I would like to contemplate today.
Following repeated acts of adultery by the royal family, Princess Diana's brother, Earl Spencer, decided to fix up the old family estate, which the Spencers had affectionately titled ``Althorp.'' This was probably a good move on his part, because it detracted attention from the scandalous royals.
Now, houses that have proper names generally take a lot more money to revamp than houses that have only addresses. Thus, to pay for the repairs, Earl Spencer just a few weeks ago made a heroic sacrifice - he gave up the right to be addressed as ``Lord of the Manors of Upper Boddington.''
He also sold the lordships of Wimbledon, Newland Squillers, and Theddingworth, collecting $336,000 and expending absolutely no effort in the doing.
There is a lesson here.
The British are actually buying and selling intangible items, and they are doing it in such a way as to involve very large sums of money. What I see here is a solution which we Americans would do well to adopt, even if it was spawned in a country in which the head of state constantly appears in silly pillbox hats.
A rough estimate of the United States deficit is pretty much synonymous with Merriam-Webster's definition for ``zillion,'' this being ``a large indeterminate number.'' Essentially, if every American citizen sold his corneas to an ailing foreigner for $20,000 apiece, and chipped in all of his pocket change, we'd still come up short.
So why doesn't the United States government start selling titles? Being that they are intangible, we can make up as many as we like, and still have more to sell. Titles could start at a few hundred dollars with such fripperies as ``Duke of all Major Theme Parks East of the Mississippi,'' and progress to more expensive titles such as ``Venerated Earl of Falstaff, Arizona,'' which I might point out, sounds a lot less silly than ``Lord of Newland Squillers.'' We could also offer ``Pagan God of the Nebraskan Cornfield,'' ``Keeper of Greater West Virginia,'' and, for any lingering ``Peanuts'' fans, ``The Great Pumpkin.''
What would be the cost of this plan to the taxpayers? Very little - we would only have to hire one person (preferably me) to invent and sell titles.
Just imagine: I'm sitting in my office and Ross Perot calls. ``Oh,'' I say, ``you want us to call you `Lord of the Amber Waves of Grain, Patriot for Whom the Bell Tolls'? OK, sir. Just make out a check for $500,000 to the United States Treasury.''
You may want to write to our Congressmen about this plan. In fact, I may run for office myself so I can better promote this sort of clever legislation. If you decide to vote for me when election day arrives, just keep in mind that I'll be on the ballot as ``Her Serene Excellency, Chancellor of the Lost Continent Atlantis.'' MEMO: Jennifer Dziura is a 1995 graduate of Cox High School. Her column
appears bimonthly. If you'd like to comment on her column, call INFOLINE
at 640-5555 and enter category 6778 or write to her at 4565 Virginia
Beach Blvd., Virginia Beach, Va. 23462 by CNB