THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, August 12, 1996 TAG: 9608100041
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: 77 lines
DR. SWAMI'S Shop of Transcendental Advice, Spells, Prophecies and Miracles - with a zodiac sign hanging above the door, gold moons and shooting stars pasted on the windows and bottles of herbs and potions in dusty jars on Dr. Swami's desk - is not on the San Diego tour.
So it is unlikely that any of the Republican delegates now in that bay city will make the acquaintance of the wizened, brown-skinned, turbaned Dr. Swami. Certainly not the party's soon-to-be presidential nominee, Bob Dole.
``It wouldn't do him any good,'' Dr. Swami said. ``President Clinton got here first.''
Dr. Swami said his relationship with Bill Clinton began in December 1994, shortly after the Republicans gained control of both houses of Congress.
``I received a phone call from mistuh Dick Morris, the presidential adviser, who said the President would like to talk with me,'' Dr. Swami said.
He said Morris was a former ``client'' who had asked him to perform a spell that would change him from a Jesse Helms Republican into a Democrat.
``I was velly successful,'' Dr. Swami said. ``Such a thing is quite difficult. Rarely done.''
He said Clinton and Morris arrived by limousine with an escort of Secret Service vehicles on the evening of Dec. 7.
``The President sat where you are sitting now,'' he said. ``He was velly cordial. Offered me one of his Big Macs. Said his `mommer' - thet's the way he tawks you know - had sometimes worn a turban just like mine with a big pair of dice on it.
``He said said he wanted to be Mr. Robert Dole. I am not jesting. Not to look like him, of course. He wanted to be like him except for physical appearance.''
Dr. Swami said he told Clinton that he could prepare a potion that would make him an ordinary congressman at no charge.
``I told him Robert Dole was much more complex. And that it would be extremely difficult and expensive,'' Dr. Swami recalled.
Dr. Swami said the president noted expense was no problem and that he'd make the White House staff available to assist him if he would agree to make a potion.
A few days later Dr. Swami phoned the White House and accepted. He told Dick Morris he had consulted the Field Guide To Ancient and Nefarious Nostrums and was brewing a potion.
``I told Mr. Morris that a critical ingredient in the potion would be a hair from the head of Mr. Dole,'' Dr. Swami recalled. ``He replied that getting the hair would be no problem. He said Mr. Clinton was about to give his State of the Union speech. He said he would insist that the President say something about the era of big government being over.''
What does that have to do with the Dole hair?
``Mr. Morris said when the president made such a statement about the end of big government, every hair on Mr. Dole's head would shoot straight up and that at least one would land on the floor. He said an usher would get the hair for us.''
He said the potion, containing many secret ingredients in addition to the hair, was prepared. To attract as little attention as possible, the concoction was mailed to the White House in a Mountain Dew bottle.
Dr. Swami said the potion worked its magic, and the president phoned him personally a few days later to express his thanks.
``He said - and I quote him exactly - `Boy-howdy Swami, you sure done good.'''
The potion-maker said he had observed the transition through the newspapers and TV. Soon the president was taking the political center, i.e. the Dole position, on everything: tough on crime, calling for repeal of welfare laws, talking about family values and even demanding a rating system for television shows similar to the ratings for movies.
Noting that Dole trails Clinton by over 20 points in many polls, Dr. Swami says it is no surprise.
``Mr. Dole's problem has nothing to do with his campaign style, his age, the Christian Coalition or any of those theengs,'' he said. ``He is confronted with a perplexity wrapped in an enigma.''
Dr. Swami made a tiny roof with his small hands, the fingertips pressed together as he smiled in contemplation.
``It is the Pogo principal applied to modern politics,'' he said. ``We have met the enemy and he is us.'' by CNB