THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Wednesday, August 28, 1996 TAG: 9608280031
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: 70 lines
THE INFOMERCIAL that was the Republican National Convention in San Diego has worried television network heads because of the modest size of the viewing audience.
And the Democratic one in Chicago - except for the rock-jawed profile in courage presented by Christopher Reeve - hasn't made enough waves to attract channel surfers either.
The primaries are largely responsible for turning the conventions - once as rowdy as waterfront saloons on Saturday night - into slickly orchestrated tearooms of respectability.
Gone are the days when H.L. Mencken - the finest political reporter ever to pound the keys of a typewriter - covered the brawling, vulgar, contentious, merriment of national conventions.
Mencken wrote: ``One sits through long sessions, wishing heartily that all the delegates and alternates were dead and in hell - and then suddenly there comes a show so gaudy and hilarious, so melodramatic and obscene, so unimaginably exhilarating and preposterous that one lives a gorgeous year in an hour.''
During the San Diego convention only one moment cleared the high bar of hilarity set as the standard by Mencken. That was when House Speaker Newt Gingrich extolled the history of beach volleyball, exclaiming with the exaggeration of a circus ringmaster that it was ``what freedom is all about!'' And he was cheered!
The conventions have become shamelessly insipid as television shopping channels with their smarmy hucksters hawking gold earrings, autographed baseballs and fuzzy toilet seat covers.
And the primaries have done it, determining the nominees before a single delegate has arrived at the conventions.
Gone forever, alas, are the food fights, fistfights, shouting matches and general mayhem that formerly made conventions entertaining.
The roll call of states casting their votes for a candidate was once a highly dramatic happening. No more. Is there a more dull or more meaningless event in America than the votes by state delegations in today's conventions? We already know the winner. What's the point?
Gone too are the days when we could count on a few heads being cracked by placards on sticks of warring delegations, police escorting reporters out of the hall, or delegations rising in righteous indignation and marching out.
The political parties have applied cosmetics to their lifeless corpses with video clips, Olympians and movie stars. But it still doesn't work. The TV networks know that the public likes a good show - and a good brawl even better. They have reduced coverage to a few hours now and ultimately will give conventions 15 minutes a night, maybe less.
It doesn't take a genius to see where this is heading.
The year is 2020. The scene is Chicago, host city for the Democratic National Convention.
Store announcer, day 1: Attention Kmart shoppers. A special sale of scratched and dented items - at markdowns of up to 80 percent - is now under way in aisle 16. It's our way of saying thank you for shopping at Kmart. And while you're shopping don't forget to drop by and say hello to the Democratic convention now convening between aisles 17 through 42.
Store announcer, day 2: Happy days are here again at Kmart. And you'll be happy too doing your home repairs the inexpensive Kmart way. Don't miss the sale on lumber and siding now going on in our hardware section in honor of the Democratic convention, now nailing down the planks on its platform right here in our store.
Store announcer, day 4: Greetings Kmart shoppers. This is Bill Bright, your next president of the United States thanking Kmart voters for your support during our convention. You know it always pays to look your best whether you're going to be president or just going out on the town. So why not drop by aisle 43 and examine our party's new tax-deductible line of cosmetics including our exclusive Party Doll perfumes. And thanks for shopping Kmart. by CNB