THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Friday, September 6, 1996 TAG: 9609060060
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: JENNIFER DZIURA
LENGTH: 65 lines
THE DISCOVERY of Martians this summer was a bit disappointing.
This is because life on Mars, according to a NASA report, consists of dead bacteria. Naturally, it is a bit of an anticlimax for any H.G. Wells-reading, sci-fi-channel-watching, Mork-from-Ork-loving person to discover that Mars is less biologically advanced than a Brillo pad.
Unlike the space invaders of cinema, these single-celled dead things don't communicate telepathically, invade the Earth or throttle Brent Spiner. They're just some organic compounds that hitched a ride on a few space rocks hurtling toward the only planet on which anyone would take any interest in them whatsoever.
There would probably be a lot more public intrigue in the discovery if the Martian rocks had carried something useful to people on Earth. Multivitamin tablets, for example. Or watch batteries. Or even plain old Tic-tacs.
But no - instead we get bacteria. As if we live in a world somehow lacking in bacteria. In actuality, you, the reader, have enough bacteria living in your own colon to put Mars to shame.
Maybe next time we check out a promising planet, we'll get a few dying plankton. Then perhaps some houseflies. After scrutinizing a dozen or so planets, maybe we'll happen upon something as advanced as poultry. With a bit of luck, our discovery won't have been dead for 3 billion years.
But, despite our disappointment that E.T. didn't bicycle through a moonlit sky, the discovery of alien germs brings us to an important realization: of course we're not the only life in the universe, stupid!
Every star you see in the sky has its own system of planets revolving around it. The sum total of existing planets is a larger number than you would ever want to write down, even if you were allowed to use exponents. To think that our planet is the only one with amino acids would be an act of tremendous arrogance. After all, would you argue that it's a coincidence that we found life on the first planet we inspected?
Since we're not the only ones revolving in space, our planet ought to be prepared for contact with Darth Vadar, the Coneheads, Zaphod Beeblebrox, Spock, the Borg or any roving poultry in spacecraft.
We must, however, do more than simply arm ourselves. Perhaps our alien visitors will be superior to our sadly belligerent species, in which case they won't want a war. But if they come to assimilate our culture, we should be ready to blow them up. If they come for knowledge, we should be ready to give them library cards. If they come to mate, we should be ready to offer the body of Hugh Grant as a sacrifice.
It is, however, a distinct possibility that the extra-terrestrials will be capitalists. They will come bearing various goods that we will immediately want; after all, the Japanese are merely an ocean away, and they're always inventing neat stuff we absolutely have to own. It is for just such situations that the United Nations should begin assembling a bargaining package of the best our planet has to offer - massage therapy, tickets to Jimmy Buffett, Wite-Out, Bavarian creme doughnuts, honeymoon cruise packages, raw cookie dough, and, finally, Pez - preferably in dispensers that look like the Joker from the original Batman movie.
But if the United Nations follows through with the raw cookie dough suggestion, the aliens will probably die of a bacterial infection, which would be seriously ironic. MEMO: Jennifer Dziura is a 1996 graduate of Cox High School. She leaves
for Dartmouth College next week and will file occasional dispatches from
there. If you'd like to comment on her column, call INFOLINE at 640-5555
and enter category 6778 or write to her at 4565 Virginia Beach Blvd.,
Virginia Beach, Va. 23462 by CNB