THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, September 30, 1996 TAG: 9609280042
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E1 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: 76 lines
THE WORLD SERIES hasn't started yet, but there's already so much going on around the world that it's hard to keep up.
For example, I had no idea the U.S. Congress was planning to return the control of gravity to the 50 states. But that was the warning I got in an urgent press release from the Man Will Never Fly Society that hit my desk only a few hours ago.
The society, as most folks around here know, has as its motto: ``Birds fly, Men Drink.'' Its members - the flotsam and jetsam of several states - meet each Dec. 16 on the Outer Banks of North Carolina to drink, raise hell and debunk aviation.
Members are required to take a pledge before joining. The pledge is:
``Given a choice, we will never fly; given no choice, we will never fly sober.''
MWNF Society members cling to the view there are no airplanes and that airlines like Delta, United, et. al. are merely fooling people by attaching wings to Trailways buses and cranking cloudlike scenery past the windows.
The press release from the society had an alarmist tone. It urged the general population to march, or even join prayer groups, to thwart the intention of Congress to return the control of gravity to the states.
This was puzzling. Gravity has always seemed the last thing the MWNF Society was interested in. So why should it care?
I placed a call to Dr. Ed North. He's the satirical society's founder and No. 1 Thinker. (He's also curator of the MWNF ``Invisible Museum,'' which houses oddities such as UFOs and the ``invisible plane'' football players are said to cross when scoring a touchdown.)
North said the return of gravity would affect all forms of transportation, hence the society's interest.
``Under the congressional plan, each state would be allocated so many pounds of gravity per person based upon the average, before-tax income of its citizens,'' North explained.
The result, he said, would be rich states, medium states and poor states.
North claimed the results would be particularly devastating in Georgia. That state would have to erect signs on Interstate 95 such as:
``WELCOME TO GEORGIA! YOU ARE ENTERING A POOR STATE WITH LOW GRAVITY. TO KEEP YOUR CAR ON THE ROAD, IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO STOP AT THE FIRST SANDBAG DEPOT AND LOAD YOUR TRUNK. THE BAGS CAN BE RETURNED AS YOU LEAVE THE STATE.''
At Georgia's Six Flags amusement park, the roller coaster cars could be pulled to the top, but there they would just sit, North explained.
And it would only get worse, he said.
``Popped-up toast would keep going, going and going, up and up,'' he warned. ``Goodyear blimps could get off the ground but never be able to land.''
North said that even everyday household events would be altered in occult ways. Water would not go down an ordinary drain when a faucet was turned on. ``You'd have water overflowing the basins unless you collected it in a large water pistol so you could fire it down the drain,'' he said.
And a dropped Sprint needle would never reach the floor.
North said that wealthy states - such as Colorado - would also have problems. ``There you would have too much gravity,'' he noted.
He predicted that in Colorado:
Aircraft would need a lift from hot air balloons to get airborne, and each landing would be an adventure.
Weight watchers would gain weight regardless of diet.
Descents on ski slopes would set new Olympic records.
A meteor from space would go completely through the Earth and start a volcano in Pakistan before emerging on the other side.
A dropped Sprint needle would fracture a foot.
North said that returning the control of gravity to the states would have international consequences, too.
``On the global scene, the whole world would wobble like a drunken top,'' he predicted.
I thanked him before hanging up. He's certainly given us all something to think and/or drink about. ILLUSTRATION: JANET SHAUGHNESSY
The Virginian-Pilot by CNB