THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Sunday, October 27, 1996 TAG: 9610240051
SECTION: REAL LIFE PAGE: K3 EDITION: FINAL
COLUMN: REAL MOMENTS
SOURCE: BY JASPER SHORT
LENGTH: 56 lines
OK, I'll admit it. You aren't likely to find me in my driveway on a Saturday afternoon changing the oil in my car.
You also won't find me replacing the tile on the bathroom floor or adding shelves to the pantry. And although I admire the work of carpenters, I have no inclination whatsoever to build any cabinets.
You could say I'm not mechanically inclined. But I don't know if that's true. I'm never been able to get past the way car grease looks on my hands, or the way that a throbbing thumb feels from missing the head of a nail to find out if I am.
Heathcliff Huxtable, the Bill Cosby character, is my definition of someone mechanically challenged. Now, he truly considered himself Mr. Fixit. But despite his love for tools, he turned every job into a nightmare, and caused Claire to keep him from coming near anything that needed repairing.
I wish that my wife and mother were more like Claire. But no, they're always asking me when am I going to fix this and when am I going to fix that. They simply haven't figured out that some men just don't want to be Mr. Fixit.
I'm just as likely to be seen wearing a belt with a big old country buckle as I would be wearing a tool belt. It's not that I have anything against tools. In fact, I have three hammers. But to be honest, two of them were given to me by friends who think that every guy loves a good set of tools. I can still hear myself saying, ``You shouldn't have.''
Yet I wasn't always this way. As a little boy, my dad showed me how to build a birdhouse. It was fun - well, sort of. In fact, after 25 years, I'd say that I'm almost ready to build something else. The key word is almost.
A few years ago I recall hanging out with a couple of friends when Tim Allen of ``Home Improvement'' was doing his stand-up act on television. Allen started talking about wearing a tool belt and began to grunt. My friends started laughing, but I didn't know what the heck he was talking about.
I must admit, compared to being a plumber, I'd worship the opportunity to wear a tool belt. No way you're going to get me to go under the house. I've heard that spiders hang out under there.
Cars? Me change the oil? Get real! I wouldn't even know where to start. My drawer at home is filled with coupons for oil changes.
I did change a tire once. The only reason I did was to impress a girl I was dating.
But I'm about to face a situation I'm not sure how to handle, now that I have a daughter. As my wife and I shop the aisles looking for Christmas gifts for our little girl, I've been noticing two recurring words that cause me to shudder - Assembly Required. One toy after the next, those same two nasty words.
But after careful consideration, I think there's only one thing to do.
I guess I'll just give in and get the toolbox out.
Then on Christmas Eve I'll make sure my wife gets an early start putting them together. MEMO: Jasper Short lives in Portsmouth with his wife, daughter and three
hammers. by CNB