THE VIRGINIAN-PILOT
Copyright (c) 1996, Landmark Communications, Inc.
DATE: Monday, November 4, 1996 TAG: 9611020052
SECTION: DAILY BREAK PAGE: E5 EDITION: FINAL
TYPE: Column
SOURCE: Larry Maddry
LENGTH: 76 lines
TOMORROW IS the day when voters sort and sift through the lies told during the past six months by presidential candidates, hold their noses and punch their ballots.
The campaign has been very confusing. This morning, as a public service, I have prepared a short list of positives and negatives on the candidates. You may want to fold them into your wallet or purse for use when casting your ballot.
BILL CLINTON
Positive: Smoked marijuana but did not inhale.
Negative: Wishes now that he had.
Positive: Improved balance of trade.
Negative: In part by bringing in overseas money to finance his campaign.
Positive: He feels your pain.
Negative: He also feels women's butts.
Positive: He has never fallen head first off a podium.
Negative: Has flip-flopped more often than an IHOP spatula.
Positive: His daughter, Chelsea, has never been investigated by a grand jury.
Negative: Every other member of his family has, except Socks.
Positive: Good environmental record.
Negative: Trashes Oval Office with Big Mac wrappers.
Positive: Has handsome presidential look.
Negative: Sounds a lot like Gomer Pyle.
Positive: Knows that the Dodgers are in L.A. and not Brooklyn.
Negative: Had no idea there were FBI files on Republicans in his basement.
BOB DOLE
Positive: Remembers a time when things were better in the United States.
Negative: Has forgotten that fashion model Christie Brinkley is NOT governor of New Jersey.
Positive: Also believes in a bridge to the 20th century.
Negative: Probably a dental bridge.
Positive: Courageous war hero.
Negative: Afraid to address NAACP.
Positive: He's Mr. Fifteen Percent.
Negative: That's also the average percentage by which he has trailed Clinton in the polls during this campaign.
Positive: Believes a man's character should count.
Negative: Cried at Nixon funeral.
Positive: Looks presidential.
Negative: Also looks like a Bic commercial.
Positive: Man who keeps his word.
Negative: But has trouble arranging the words he keeps into sentences that make sense.
Positive: Hates drugs.
Negative: Likes Newt.
ROSS PEROT
Positive: Not part of Washington crowd.
Negative: But has visited Washington seeking federal funds so often his corporate jet goes there like a homing pigeon.
Positive: Has the answer to all our national problems.
Negative: That answer is to let every idiot in the country vote on them in a town meeting.
Positive: Says he has nothing to hide.
Negative: Has done a great job hiding his running mate.
Positive: Claims he will listen to The People.
Negative: He's certainly got the ears for it. Those flappers look like satellite antennas implanted in the head of a spider monkey.
Positive: Wants campaign reform.
Negative: But his people counted the votes for the Reform Party's nominee and then proclaimed him the winner. Surprise! Surprise!
Positive: Would bring a fresh approach to Washington.
Negative: Would be the first president to take the oath of office wearing a 10-gallon hat while seated on a horse. And likely resign the next day, complaining of rats behind the walls of the White House. by CNB